24 Nicknames You Should Call His Penis

I've heard every dick slang known to man. Why? Because I went to middle school. Garbage like "skin flute," "womb broom" and "the Bone Ranger" are fucking amateur hour. Cosmopolitan.com even put together a handy list of things not to call his junk, because there are just so many bad options. Here are way better nicknames for your penis and/or your boyfriend's penis. Enjoy.

1. Mount Vesuvius. Because his eruptions are so powerful they block out the sun.

2. The Alamo. Because he never forgets ... to make sure you orgasm.

3. Moby Dick. Because it's large and he appreciates a halfway-decent pun.

4. Moby. Because if you put glasses on it, it sort of looks like Grammy-winning DJ Moby.

5. Rictus Erectus. It's a Mad Max: Fury Road character that I'm pretty sure is a dick joke anyway, and now the circle is complete.

6. The Depth Sounder. Aka Mark Twain aka Samuel Clements.

7. Bishop of Beauvais Pierre Cauchon. Because he's the one that burned Joan of Arc at the stake and he's about to ... put your vagina on trial? I don't know. All right, that one doesn't work. It's an obscure historical reference and pretty forced. Here're some other historical ones you can use instead...

8. Vlad the Impaler. Easy dick joke, right here.

9. Lady Godiva's Horse. Because you're naked and riding it.

10. The Magic Bullet. R.I.P. John F. Kennedy, 1917–1963.

11. Thomas Hobbes. Because it's nasty, brutish, and short. Kidding! Because he wrote The Leviathan, duh. Also, maybe just...

12. The Leviathan, as a nickname. That sounds pretty boss. Speaking of, let's knock out a bunch of cool-sounding names from mythology:

13. Kraken. It rises from the depths and gets things wet.

14. Zeus. This one just sounds good.

15. Thor. Same.

16. Poseidon. Just pick any God in Greek or Norse mythology, and you're good to go. Even "Alastor" sounds alright, and he was the God of family feuds (not the TV show ... and yes, this is real).

17. Willenium. Because it's what comes out after "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It." Although, if we're talking Will Smith's discography, this is also a good one:

18. Big Willie Style. I loved this album in middle school. THAT IS NOT THE REASON IT'S A GOOD NICKNAME.

19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Do I even need to explain this one?

20. The Sorting Hat. Because he's about to Slytherin to your Hufflepuff and Gryffindor. I don't even remember what the fourth house was. And I'm not going to bother Googling it.

21. Pachelbel's Canon in D Major. The "D" stands for "dick."

22. The Steel Beam. Because it's load-bearing. Get it? LOAD. BEARING.

23. My Dog Skip. Because it makes you cry at the end. Tears of joy, though, in this case.

24. Prince. Just as tribute. We miss you.

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