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10 Things Men Hope You Won't Notice During Sex

I'm A Celebrity: Extra Camp presenter Chris Ramsey hopes you won't notice he's still got his socks on…

21 March, 2018
10 Things Men Hope You Won't Notice During Sex

I'm A Celebrity: Extra Camp presenter and stand up comedian Chris Ramsey opens up about the things that men hope you don't notice during sex.

1. He's wearing socks. The deed starts quickly and passionately (sometimes), and seeing as it's impossible to do it in a cool or sexy way, he may need to leave his socks on… for the sake of the moment.

2. That crack in the ceiling. If she notices the faults in his home – or anything else around the place aka washing, a dusty bedside table – then there's a slight chance she's not 100% lost in the moment, which does not bode well for us guys.

3. The noise the bed is making. Maybe it's a metal bed frame that needs a good oiling, maybe it's an old wooden one with some dodgy screws, or maybe it's just a particularly epic session. But stopping to say, "Doesn't that sound like the theme tune from Casualty" or beatboxing along with it is NOT COOL LADIES. Stop it.

4. A Cough. Or any bodily function really. Sometimes he just needs to cough. Doesn't matter what he's doing. Sometimes he needs to burp… especially during physical activity. He will try and sneak it out, believe me. And be warned… burping through your nose still smells.

5. The dog is watching. This really kills the mood, especially because sometimes the dog looks like he/she is enjoying it, but simultaneously doesn't understand what's happening. I have the same face on when I'm watching University Challenge, in fairness…

6. He's out of breath. Men are not machines! And most of us aren't top athletes either. We know a bit of panting and heavy breathing isn't always sexy but it happens. Saying that, if he's wheezing and crying like a dying dog, best slow stuff down before an ambulance gets called.

7. Doing a quick American Psycho flex and point in the mirror. If you don't understand this, just move on to the next one. Forget about it. It's nothing to worry about… DO NOT Google it.

8. Bad dirty talk. "Tell me what you want to do to me?"

"Errrm… sex. Which we are doing now, so it's all good…"

9. Hair in his mouth. Sometimes a stray hair ends up finding it's way into his mouth, and it can be pretty off-putting to be fair, and getting it out without her noticing is quite a talent indeed. (I've just realised what kind of hair you think I'm talking about, and honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself. I meant from your head!)

10. He finished ages ago. Yup, he's just soldiering on. The less said about this, the better. But you know what, sometimes, he might get a bit too excited and well, there you have it. But any man worth his salt will bite that duvet and fight through the pain to bring it to a mutual conclusion. I've already said too much…

Credit: Cosmopolitan
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