7 Ways Sleeping With Women Changed How I Have Sex With Men

There are truths bisexual women know to be certain. An orgasm will knock a man unconscious while women will stay awake, which science suggests may be related to men's tendency to require more recovery time between orgasms. Sucking dick is easier than eating pussy. People treat you differently out in public when you're on a date with a man and appear straight than they do when you're out with a female partner. While bi stigma is alive and well both inside and outside the queer community, it's an orientation that is incredibly fun. You do have a wider range of partners but that doesn't mean you sleep with every person you pass on the street. When that partner is a man, sexual experience with women can affect how you bone with people with peens. Here are seven ways how sleeping with women changed how I have sex with men.

1. I don't define sex as "penis in vagina." There's a reason why you've heard every queer person shout this on repeat. Sex is when two (or more) people pleasure one another sensually, often with orgasm in mind. Thankfully the older I get, the more male partners seem to understand this and integrate hands, tongues, and toys into sex rather than just their dicks. But when I was in high school, I sure as hell thought sex meant having a dude thrust on top of me until he came. Everyone has their own definition of sex, but bodies are too beautiful and complex to keep it solely to penises and vaginas. Since I began sleeping with women, I integrate nipple play, ass attention, foot worship, whatever else both of us are into too. Penis-in-vagina sex can still be totally dope though.

2. I have more respect for humping. Before I made love to someone with a strap-on, I took humping for granted. I feel powerful AF when I'm wearing mine. I bought it from Babeland, it's the Aslan leather harness used with a purple dildo. If you're going to buy yourself a dick, why not get one that looks like it belongs to a dragoness? (Yes, a dragoness, remember that women can have penises and men can have vaginas). Along with using it for sexy purposes, sometimes I wear it while I work from home. Vagina-owning readers, humping while on top or from behind is hard and takes practice. Athleticism aside, you want to find a smooth rhythm while simultaneously finding an angle that allows you to use your hands to clitorally pleasure your lover. While gyrating on top while being penetrated is work too, it takes practice to perfect penetration. A little flipped perspective can definitely enhance your appreciation of your partner.

3. I realized everyone has different sexual preferences regardless of gender. It's true that sleeping with women helped me integrate more foreplay into my gatherings with men. However, it is a myth that all queer women like soft and slow sex. One of the first women I dated did. We'd make out and touch one another's breasts for what felt like hours before moving below the belt. However, another female partner straight-up tells me: "Get on your stomach" and then goes to directly to vagina town. I've been sore for longer after sex with her hands (don't worry, I wanted it) than I have from sex with penises. Gender roles truly are a social construct. I no longer make assumptions about what a person will desire sexually based on their gender, orientation, or appearance. The only way to discover that is to go on a date, make out, and talk about what someone likes. For instance, one of the most traditionally masculine men I've been with (tall, hairy, muscles) turned out to be incredibly submissive and loved being lightly teased with a light feather as I took control. I admit, I assumed he would want to bend me over and dominate me.

4. I ask for what I want more. Coming out as queer, and asking out and eventually sleeping with a woman for the first time, is daunting. Doing so made me stronger and braver. The combination of developed confidence and understanding that we all need various stimulation to get off has made me more assured to ask for what I need when sleeping with men. Whereas I used to be shy sometimes about rubbing my clit, asking for rougher sex, or adding a vibrator, now I just ask and don't give a shit what they'll think (but they always think it's hot).

5. I put less pressure on myself to orgasm. You were expecting me to say the opposite, weren't you? A study went viral earlier this year that suggested lesbians have the most orgasms and straight women the least. Bisexual women clock in just above straight women and below lesbians (likely from the sex with men, sorry!). However, no one knows vaginas like someone who both has one and pleasures others, and vaginas can be finicky. From medication or the wrong mood music, orgasm doesn't always happen. That's OK. I used to feel pressure to come during sex with men to make them feel like they're good in bed but now if it's not in the cards, I don't sweat.

6. I have sex with fewer men. Do you remember in Transparent when Gaby Hoffmann's character says something about not wanting to sleep with someone who doesn't understand the patriarchy after she begins dating women? That shit is real. After experiencing queer culture, I have lost any and all previous patience for straight cis men saying dumb sexist shit that's supposed to "be a joke" or exhibiting total ignorance about patriarchal privileges. Only well-informed men are allowed inside of me.

7. I'm more attentive after sex. A few years ago, I was seeing a woman. She'd wake me up to say bye and I'd fall back into my Ambien-induced slumber. Finally, she said, "It would be nice if you finally asked me to brunch." She called me out and was right. I realized that since at this point in my life, most of my sexual experience with men, I was guilty of falling into prescribed gender roles and waiting for the guy to suggest brunch. I wasn't just a sleepyhead; I was an inattentive asshole. Now after sex, regardless of my partner's gender, I'll make sure they feel cared for (and don't leave on an empty stomach).