8 Things He Really Thinks About Your Nipples

Guys often overlook nipples, seeing them as one with the boob. But nipples are so much more. Nipples are communicative; they react to touch and temperature and dirty talk. They're windows into the soul of boobs (and yeah, I'm willing to go on record and say that I believe that boobs have souls; All Dogs Go to Heaven and so do all boobs). Here's what guys really think about nipples.

1. They're like the cherry on top of a boob sundae. Without a cherry, a sundae is just a bunch of ice cream. Thanks, nipples, for making boobs something better than weird flesh-orbs. You're a hero and a national treasure.

2. They're tenacious attention-seekers. When it gets cold or things get steamy, nipples are all, "Check me out!" as they fight their way through layers of fabric because they want to be seen.

3. No person who is attracted to women doesn't like sucking on nipples. Babies are on to something here. Babies are usually pretty dumb and they'll put anything in their mouth, but, like, as far as boobs are concerned, I get it, babies. I totally get it.

4. They are the no. 1 reason we love spooning. Excellent nipple access. Well, also, so our crotch touches your butt, but also easy nip access.

5. Every nipple is so unique that it's our personal Christmas morning when you take your top off for the first time. So many nipples, so little time. Every nipple is different, like snowflakes that never melt. And just like snowflakes, we want to catch them on our tongues.

6. They even serve a dual purpose. They make milk. That's crazy. That's the only thing the human body can produce that people actually want to drink.

7. They're mysterious as fuck. Acceptable clothing options mean women can expose pretty much all of their breast except for the nipple. And until we free the nipple, it still adds a sense of mystery.

8. As "second base," they're the gatekeepers of sex. We have to impress them if we're going to get any further. Which is why, if you need nicknames for your breasts, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson are great names (or whoever was on that show, I don't watch that shit). My point is, bring your A-game when it comes to the nipples.

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