8 Reasons Watching Porn Doesn't Make Him a Cheater

All women want to feel desired, and as the philosopher Slavoj Žižek puts it, "Through fantasy, we learn how to desire." While I can't credit porn for all my dirty little fantasies, it is one of the best (and most accessible) sex toys at your disposal. Many people feel nervous about their partners going off in a dark corner to watch porn and masturbate, thinking it feels like cheating, but I'm here to tell you that I've encouraged all of my partners to watch porn and doing so has only strengthened each of my relationships. Here are some reasons you shouldn't be worried that he watches porn.

1. He can acquire his own particular set of skills that he can use in bed with you. Obviously not all porn is instructional — please, no more jackhammering — but it depends on the quality of the material he's viewing. If you want to steer him toward porn that's smart and sexy, tell him to check out feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino's "Expert Guide" series films.


2. It satisfies his need for fantasies safely. Fantasies are, by definition, unrealistic, and most people prefer them that way. For example, many women have fantasies centered around non-consent: being taken advantage of and rendered helpless against our will. While totally healthy as a daydream, most of us would never actually put ourselves in harm's way at the hands of a stranger to fulfill that fantasy. In the same way, don't feel threatened if your boyfriend likes porn featuring women who look nothing like you or who do a sex thing you're not interested in. He just likes the fantasy of it; he doesn't want it to be reality.

3. What he watches doesn't define him. Watching football doesn't make him a quarterback, just like watching a cooking show doesn't make him a chef. But we often fail to see the logical disconnect when it comes to matters around sex. Remember: It's fantasy, not reality. 

4. Masturbation is good for him, even if he has a healthy sex life with you. 
Some people, both men and women, require or prefer imagery like erotica or porn to supplement their masturbation habits, and masturbation is essential to our health and well-being. In addition to releasing endorphins and generally making your orgasms stronger and better, masturbating can even reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men.

5. He might just be afraid to ask you to watch it with him. If you feel like porn is "the other woman," try inviting her into the bedroom. "Watching porn with your partner is a great way to jump start discussions on sexual activities you like, dislike, or might not have even known about but are interested in exploring," says Shanna Katz, M.Ed., ACS. Want to see if watching people get tied up turns you on? Find a scene involving bondage. Wondering if your partner would be into a threesome? Check out multiple-partner scenes to gauge his reaction. 

6. Honestly, the porn he's watching is probably not as good as the sex you're having anyway. A lot of porn is hilarious. If you're searching for something to get off to — unless you have your tried-and-true favorites bookmarked on your browser — you're usually surfing through the dregs of the Internet trying to find a single clip that isn't poorly shot, completely unbelievable, or features someone who looks just enough like your sister to be weird. Not exactly threatening to your relationship.

7. Porn can be a gift for couples with mismatched sex drives. Everyone is wired with a completely different libido level, and masturbation can be the perfect outlet when one partner isn't up for sex. Whether you're sick, exhausted, or traveling, getting off solo is a way to make sure his sexual needs are being met while still respecting the boundaries of your relationship. And the more sex you're having (even with yourself), the more sex you want to have, so masturbating is a good way to catch up if you're the one who's sex drive is behind.

8. If you're worried that porn might be ruining your sexcapades or your relationship, perhaps they weren't that good to begin with.




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