By Wearing This 1 Thing, You Are Ruining Your Outfit

It's time for some tough love.

21 March, 2018
By Wearing This 1 Thing, You Are Ruining Your Outfit

​You're not going to want to hear this, but that black elastic hair tie on your wrist is ruining your outfit. 

I'm not just saying this as some random hater of hair ties. Nor am I some vicious enemy of practicality and convenience. But, in my 10+ years as a professional stylist and fashion editor, I've learned a lot about the little things that can take an outfit from frumpy to fabulous (and back again). So go ahead, send me hate mail. Throw rotten tomatoes. Tell me you hope I die in the comments. This needs to be said and the fact is, if you came up to me in person and asked me for one piece of fashion advice, this is what I would tell you: A hair tie is not a bracelet, so why is it on your wrist? Just put it in your pocket. I know jeans pockets can't hold much, but they can certainly hold a loop of black elastic. No pockets? You've got a bag, don't you? Or a wallet, a desk drawer, a bathroom cabinet — you get my drift. Just get it off your wrist.

Yes, it is noticeable. How could it not be? It's this hard black line cutting across your wrist, often with a little knot of pulled hairs tangled around it like some sort of disgusting charm. And it's not exactly an office-appropriate look, either. I mean, business casual can mean a lot of things, but hairy elastic charm bracelet is not one of them. Besides, you spend too much time and energy putting together an outfit to have it derailed by something as silly as a hair tie. You deserve better than that.​

Unless, of course, you like the way it looks on your wrist. I don't know. Maybe you just really love the striking contrast it creates between your gold bracelet and your diamond engagement ring. For all I know, you could be planning to have all your bridesmaids wear matching hair elastics on their wrists for your wedding photos. I mean, who ever heard of a photo that wasn't drastically improved by the presence of a black hair tie?

Not to mention those lovely red indentations hair ties leave when you finally do take them off. Restricting blood flow is so in this season — from Michael Kors to Chanel, hair elastics on wrists have been absolutely ​dominating the runways. Not that you care about those kinds of things. You were wearing hair ties on your wrists long before they were cool. You're sort of a trendsetter in that way.

Then there's the time and energy it would take to retrieve a hair tie from anywhere other than your wrist. I mean, you probably can't even count the number of lives that have been lost because you had to reach into your bag for something. The struggle is so real. Especially since Congress passed that law saying that you can only carry one hair tie at a time. Now it's actually illegal to carry a backup! Big government rears its ugly head again, am I right? 

And let's not underestimate the emotional significance of that particular hair tie. I mean, it's pretty much a priceless family heirloom. Your great-great-grandmother brought that hair tie over from the old country. It's got history, you know? And that ​makes ​it beautiful, even if it is a little stretched out.

Not to mention the fact that it is actually, legitimately magical. Like, it doesn't work all the time, but you've been keeping track and you've discovered that you are five times more likely to have your birthday wish granted if you've got that particular hair tie on your wrist. Not in your hair. On your wrist.

And even if it wasn't a magical, outfit-making family heirloom, which it totally, 100 percent is, hair ties are fucking expensive! Those Goody ouchless ones are like 6 cents each. You're not a goddamn Kardashian! Even if you did have celebrity hair elastic money, it's not like you can just go out and buy these things at any store. First, you have to go down to city hall and apply for a license. Then there is that troll on the bridge with all those riddles you have to answer. Who has time for that shit? 

Come to think of it, you should keep that hair tie on your wrist. You've got a life and the only person you've got helping you live it is you — ​and, of course, the little black elastic clinging so lovingly to your wrist. I mean, it's pretty much your best friend and you're not just going to put your best friend in your pocket. You're not a monster.​

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Credit: Cosmopolitan
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