9 Emotional Stages of Being Single on Valentine's Day

1. Who cares about Valentine's Day? It's just a stupid holiday created to sell cards. And for your boyfriend to tell you he loves you and maybe propose. If you have a boyfriend. Which I don't. Pfft. Whatever. 

2. Seriously, why is everyone freaking out about finding a date for tonight? Are they actually looking forward to going to an overcrowded restaurant with a bunch of other weird couples and fighting for the last chocolate torte on a dessert cart that costs, like, a million bucks just so they can feel really loved? I have nachos. I am set. 

3. You know what? I'm going to plan my own date for myself and it's going to be better than anything else my friends are doing because I chose it. Honestly, I'm glad I don't have to scramble to find some intensely sexy red dress when my date probably would've shown up wearing boat shoes and an old Dave Matthews Band T-shirt anyway. And then I'd just spend the whole night resenting him for barely even trying after I spent two hours in Sephora? No, thanks. 

4. Now that I think about it, most of my past Valentine's Days spent with partners were basically nightmare train wrecks plus fondue. Except with Brendon, but I thought we'd get married and he brought me those truffles and it was like a whole thing. I can't expect every Valentine's Day to be a Brendon Valentine's Day. HAHAHA. 

5. Oh my god, what if I never have a great Valentine's Day with a partner ever again. Should I start online dating again? I mean, I don't think anyone there would be worth my time, but what if I wait and wait and wait and next thing I know, I'm 60 and alone and I've only had one great Valentine's Day and it was Brendon 2014?!

6. I wonder if my exes are really sad and alone tonight, or if they have hot girlfriends who they're happy with. It's totally not weird to casually scan their Instagram to see if they posted any sad photos of them eating chips in bed. If anything, if they are eating chips in bed right now, maybe they're those really good Terra blue chips and I could be like, "I have bean dip! Want to give up on Valentine's Day together?" Plenty of people casually text their exes that same thing on Valentine's Day all around the world, right? 

7. It's actually dumb to not enjoy Valentine's Day just because I'm single this year. One day when I'm married, I'm going to look back on this night and hate that I wasted it thinking about how my last OkCupid date would actually be boyfriend material if he didn't keep calling my friends sluts all the time. 

8. I should probably eat all the ice cream in my freezer while wearing my pajama pants that have smiley faces all over them and watching Love, Actually. It's a really good movie and also, my ice cream says it doesn't expire for another eight months, but who knows how accurate that is. Better to finish it all now so it doesn't go to waste. 

9. *Text to BFF*: Want to live in an old folks' home with me one day as a backup plan if we never find anyone cool enough to marry?And getting so psyched when she texts back, "Yessssssss!" because that is going to rule. 

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