"How I Escaped My Abusive Relationship"

Tara, 21, recently escaped an abusive relationship. She told her story to Cosmopolitan.com.​

​I met a boy online in 2012. I was 18 and lived in Canada. He was 17 and from Sweden. He was handsome, charming, talented, funny, and we liked all the same things. When he came to visit me in Canada, my family and friends all said how much they adored him. That's why, when the control and abuse started, it was so hard to recognize.

It started small. He'd tell me he didn't want me to go to bars or clubs while we were long-distance because he was ''worried'' about me. He gave me strict rules regarding where and when I could go see someone​, and would ignore me for days if I upset him. It became increasingly more difficult to go see my friends, but I told myself it would get better once I moved to his country — I was sure I'd make lots of friends there. 

Nearly two years into our relationship, I gave up my whole life to close the distance permanently. I packed two suitcases and moved to Sweden. I expected to be treated better there — a 2013 report by the World Economic Forum showed Sweden is one of the top countries in the world for gender equality. But things only got worse. He would take me out for expensive dinners and buy me gifts, but then interrogate me about any new people I met. He told me I was just a guest in his home and I was not truly welcome there — it was his home, not mine. Within three months, the emotional abuse had affected me deeply. Then, during a heated argument, he pushed me hard out of our bedroom and slammed the door, refusing to speak to me. I booked a plane ticket to stay with my relatives in the U.K. and told him we needed a break.

But I stayed in contact with him. It was so difficult for me to completely end it. I was convinced that if I broke up with him and moved back home, my whole life would be ruined. I thought he was the best I would ever get, since all my friends and family loved him so much. Soon he'd convinced me to return to Sweden, telling me he would treat me ''how [I] always deserved to be treated'' and that if I was ever mistreated again, he would pay for my airfare wherever I wished to go in the world. I felt like it was a risk-free deal from the person I loved most. He seemed devoted to change.

Not even a week upon returning, it was clear to me he had not changed a bit. Then the gaslighting began. My personal items would go missing, but I was convinced I was just forgetful. My passport disappeared 48 hours after landing — in hindsight, I'm fairly certain he took it so I couldn't leave again. Circumstances made it next to impossible to get a new one. 

I soon discovered my abuser had been browsing an online community called The Red Pill, which is devoted to an extremely sexist view of women. They believe women need to be ''trained'' to be loyal partners, and that they are immature and should be treated like children. They also believe all women desire the ''alpha male'' stereotype and share tips on how to act like one. He had saved a lot of information on how to pick up women and have sex with them — information he shouldn't have needed considering we had been in a committed relationship for two years. When confronted, he claimed a mutual friend sent it all to him. When I spoke to our friend, I found out that was a lie, and that he'd told our friend that even though I am useless to him, ''we still have sex and she makes me dinner.''

The following months were my worst nightmare. He pushed, shoved, and slapped me. He insulted what I wore and how I acted. After arguments, he would often take the Internet away so I couldn't contact my friends or family back home, and I didn't have a cell phone. He threatened to kick me out of his apartment on a nightly basis. When I finally called my father for help, my abuser hung up the Skype call and told me I was nothing but a burden on my family so I should stop trying to contact them. He would sometimes get me drunk while staying relatively sober and we would have unprotected sex. I was afraid to say no. I think he wanted to get me pregnant so he would have an even stronger tie to me. This went on for over half a year. I convinced myself it wasn't that bad, that being alone would be worse. Holy shit, I was so wrong.​

Then I found out he'd started cheating on me with a new girl. I made the decision that I deserved better, and reached out to some close friends and family for help. He begged me to come back to him for days. He told me this new woman meant nothing. He tried all the abuse tactics that had worked before; he took me out to an expensive dinner and bought me flowers and wrote me a poem. I felt like I was admitting defeat, but this time I didn't let him hurt me again. My family and friends sent me the finances required to get my passport back, and the night I received it I booked a flight. I left early the next morning to stay with a close friend in Scotland until I found a way to get back to Canada.

It was so hard. I ached for him back even if it meant I would be abused. I saw him in my dreams, and I never felt like I was completely "there" all the time. The pain of recognizing he never loved me — not even a little — when he was my best friend and lover was unbearable. It was also stressful financially. I'd given up my job to move to Sweden, and now nobody wanted to hire a woman with a near-12-month gap in her employment history, nor was it socially acceptable to be upfront about what happened with potential employers. It felt so unfair. I'd gone through hell, but the nightmare was not over. It took months for me to find meaningful work, but I did.

The healing process is long and difficult, but it's so worth it. I started shopping for my own clothes again and wearing whatever I liked, whatever made me feel beautiful. I gained the confidence to start going to parties again, something I couldn't do for three whole years. I couldn't believe how many people liked me for simply being me. I made so many new friends and rekindled old ones lost to my abuse. I went on a few amazing dates with kind men. I didn't have to ask permission to do anything anymore.​

My ex tried to contact me a few times, and even offered me yet another trip to come see him so he could tell me how sorry he was. I declined. This life was so much better. Just last week he tried to talk to me on a social platform I forgot to delete him on. He tried to apologize. I didn't accept it, and then I deleted him. It felt so good.

Recently, a job opportunity came along that will take me back to Scandinavia, and this time, I am not controlled by anyone or anything. I feel more whole than I ever have been. I always thought I needed a significant other to make me feel complete, even before this relationship. I realize now my ex-abuser is not the best I'll ever get, because I will never find the best within another human. It's only within myself. Striving every day to be the best version of yourself is far more fulfilling than struggling to not be good enough for somebody else. I am happy​.

And to any woman or man who is in an abusive relationship or thinks they might be being abused, reading this: YES, it's as bad as you think; YES, you need to leave them; NO, there are no exceptions or excuses; YES, I promise you life is so much better once you allow your heart to heal a bit. If you don't know if the way your partner treats you is abusive, it probably is. You shouldn't even need to consider that question with the partner you deserve. You are missing out on a world of happiness that you did not even know existed. You can do it, you are strong enough.