18 Things Your Boyfriend Will Never Understand

1. Why there is always one smushed piece of gum at the bottom of your purse. Because we saw it get smushed and it felt wasteful to throw it away, and in a pinch, we might consider wiping off the dust and weird crumbs, and actually putting it in our mouths, OK? Look, no one's proud of this.

2. Why you can't get ready in 10 minutes. Maybe that's because I feel pressured to/want to shave my entire body and then contour my face with eight different powders and then highlight my cheekbones while giving them a subtle flush, then conceal anything that looks like a "flaw," followed by lip liner and lipstick and we haven't even gotten to the "doing my hair" part. I did not create these rules, Jacob.

3. Why everything is "#goals." Um, because how can you have a better squad/relationship/life if you don't have #goals. Answer: You cannot.

4. The intense and bizarre experience of wearing Spanx. It's like too tight pantyhose that somehow got loose in weird places and you spend the whole time feeling like you're walking in a scuba suit that's barely keeping your body in place. That's the best way I can describe it. Look, just go put them on, Todd.

5. Why the Kardashians are popular. Honestly, this one stumps me also, but hey, you like a sports magazine with photos of girls at the beach, so to each their own.

6. Why you need more than two pillows on a bed. What if I want to surround my body with pillows? Like, a pillow between my legs, a pillow between my arms, one under my back, but I can't do that because some pillow enforcement agency gave me a two-pillow max? What then?

7. Why you need different conditioners for different situations. Look, sometimes our hair needs body, sometimes it needs smoothing. Sometimes it needs ultimate repair, sometimes it needs gentle waves. Our hair is like a pet and we are very attentive owners.

8. Why you need a separate conditioner at all. Your two-in-one lifestyle makes no sense. You cannot cleanse and condition at the same time. You are being lied to.

9. Emojis. What do you have against fun, guys? Seriously.

10. What the fuck Pilates is. Put simply: It is hell, it is stretching, we hate it, it's the best.

11. The intense emotional and physical roller coaster that is your period. No matter how many times we tell guys that we are dying on the first day of our periods (and often other days too) and that it feels like our uterus is murdering everything inside us, they'll never really get it because they have nothing to compare it to. Why can't they just take our collective word on it and be like, "I believe you. It is an unknowable pain. You are a warrior," and we'll be like, "I know."

12. Why you have so many beauty products. Yes, because having six different half-empty deodorants is logical. OK.

13. Watching Sex and the City reruns on a Saturday even though you've seen them all 800 times. It's like eating chocolate: You're never going to say, "I hate eating chocolate because I already know how it tastes and how it tastes is great and I never regret eating it because chocolate's story lines are highly relatable." Perfect example.

14. Why you need a purse when they just carry their keys, wallet, and phone. Oh, but they loooove that purse when they don't feel like carrying anything anymore, don't they? Oh, yes, they freaking do.

15. Why you can't just go buy a pair of jeans like he does. You don't think we wish we could?! I so desperately wish I could walk into a store and pick up a size 27 and boom, I can go home and watch more Sex and the City episodes, but for some reason, every pair of jeans made for women is hilariously inconsistent. One will be tighter in the waist, one looser in the waist, one weirdly tight in the thighs. We truly never know what we're getting, which is also why we take 18 pairs into the dressing room every time. It is not our fault and we hate it too.

16. How different the orange-red lipstick shade and the blue-red lipstick shade are and yes, you need to buy both of them. One is for day and one is for night. What's not to understand?

17. Why sitting at home watching Netflix on the couch is not a date night if that's all you ever do. Because, "Seth" (if that's even your real name), you wouldn't use that as a first-date activity would you? No. So why is that your go-to now?

18. That you need to replace socks when they get holes in them. Are you a hobo? No? Then buy new socks. You have a job.

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