13 Emotional Stages of Picking the Perfect Name for Your Baby

Choosing a baby name is one of those parenting tasks that seems totally fun and exciting until you actually have to do it. Once you get pregnant, it suddenly hits you that you've been charged with choosing how other people will identify your kid for the rest of his or her life. That's enough pressure to make any new mom panic harder than Calvin Harris when he runs into Hiddleswift.

Here, the 13 emotional stages of trying to pick the ~perfect~ baby name.

1. I can't believe I'm finally pregnant. Now, I get to paint the nursery, finally figure out how to start that adorable DIY baby blanket I found on Pinterest, and oh, my partner and I get to pick a name! This is going to be so awesome. Ever since that one game of MASH in sixth grade told me I'd marry Justin Timberlake and have seven kids, I've been filling notebooks with lists of cool, JT-worthy baby names. I'm totally prepared for this. ​

2. OK, first things first, I need all the baby name books. It turns out those old notebooks were filled with ridiculous shit like "BritJean" (get it, a tribute to Britney ​Jean?!) and "Leonardo DiCaprio Jr." But we still have plenty of time. I'll just spend my life savings buying baby name books on Amazon, and I'll have a rocking moniker picked out in no time. Hey, Moniker is pretty unique. Hmm, could that be a name?​

3. Whoa, there are seriously, like, so many names to choose from. 15,000+ Baby Names looked a lot less overwhelming when it was just sitting in my Amazon cart. Now, I actually have to read all of the names in there — plus the other 12 books of thousands of names I bought? I wish Siri could make a list of favorites for me and also have a pint of Ben & Jerry's delivered to help me cope with all this stress — and serve as a less satisfying substitute for wine.

4. I think I've got it narrowed down: If it's a boy, one of these 150 names, and if it's a girl, one of those 200 names. I'll just forward these gigantic spreadsheets to my partner and have them highlight their faves. We'll have this search narrowed down to 70 or 80 strong contenders in no time!​

5. I cannot believe my partner hates Every. Single. One. Of these names. We're supposed to be soul mates, damn it. Doesn't that mean they have to agree with me that Clementine is totally adorable and not at all unprofessional-sounding? President Clementine Austrew could totally happen someday. Don't destroy my dreams with your pessimism, babe.​

6. All right, we know the gender! That should help us eliminate at least a few names, right? We can throw out one whole list, well, except for the gender-neutral ones. Wait, or we could pull a Blake Lively and choose a name that's traditionally used for the opposite sex. That still leaves us with about ... 300 options and didn't actually help at all. What good are you, gender reveal?!

7. Now it feels like ​every name is taken. Like I was thinking Ella, but then I remembered that's my college roommate's daughter. My partner said he was cool with Charlotte, but we can't do that, because, according to my mom, I have some cousin (who I've never met, for the record) named Charlotte. I need more ice cream.​​

8. Also, ugh, why is it that every single name my partner and I actually agree on reminds me of some horrible person? Olivia is the girl who used to make fun of me in high school for having small boobs. Emily borrowed my favorite corduroy miniskirt freshman year of college and never gave it back. Norah is the name of that one coworker who always microwaves salmon in the break room at work. Chloe is my partner's ex. Wait, how did that one even end up on this list? We'll have to talk about Chloe later. Shit, naming babies would be so much easier if neither of us had pasts.

9. Well, that's just fabulous. We narrowed it down to three names we both love. But our extended families hate all of them. We should have shared our names with exactly zero people. My mom just messaged me on Facebook and said she really wants me to name the baby Archibald after my great grandfather. Is she freaking kidding me? I've never even met the guy! Although, Archie is kind of retro. Baby Archie? *Sigh.*

10. Oh god, my due date is tomorrow. And we don't have a name yet. I need to try to stay calm. I need to go over my list again. There are only 68 names left on it. Maybe I should make a Twitter poll and ask all of my followers. No, I can't do that, or social media will name my baby something ridiculous like Megatron or Viserys Targaryen​. The internet is not to be trusted.​

11. We picked a name! My partner and I actually did it! This child now has a first, middle, and last name! It only took us eight small fights, an emergency phone call to a relationship therapist, and roughly 14 hours to decide. #Teamwork, baby!

12. I'm in labor. But the thing is, I'm still not 100 percent sure the kid's middle name flows with my last name... Um, doctor, is there any way you can stall the birth so I can go back to the beginning of this naming process and start over? No? Well, then what do you think of this name? You deliver all of the babies. Help me.​

13. Our perfect baby has arrived! Turns out, this whole naming thing is so simple, really. My partner and I just had to follow our guts. NBD. Now, give me that well-deserved glass of rosé.​

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