11 Oral Sex Things Guys Don't Care About

1. Whether or not you're wearing clothes. Sure, nudity is always appreciated. It's even appreciated in nonsexual instances. If you want to strip down before having a long, serious talk about where this relationship is headed, that's fine. But in terms of blow jobs, it's not necessary. It's like a 20 percent tip when you're picking up takeout.

2. If you're wearing adult braces. The braces aren't what he's worried about. It's mashing his dick against your teeth — braces or not — that he's worried about.

3. What you do with your pubic hair. Everyone enjoys a respectfully maintained downstairs area. But he's not going to flip out if you're not perfectly waxed, whether it's a little or a lot.

4. If you're taking a while to orgasm. He has a job to do and he's going to try his hardest to finish it, goddammit. Because that's what men are brainwashed to do. Think about how many movies are about men showing up to do a job, it becomes apparent said job will be more difficult than originally anticipated, and they do it anyway. It doesn't matter if it means they'll die in the process. They're there to drill a hole in that asteroid/win that hockey game/successfully repel that alien invasion, etc. If it takes five minutes or 50, he's in it to win it.

5. If he's taking a while to orgasm. It's only fair he has the same patience for himself.

6. If, tragically, he just can't get you there tonight. Admittedly this does not feel great. He wants you to orgasm! But if he's pulling out his best moves, listening to your feedback, and you're telling him it's probably not going to happen and you're getting kind of chafed so could he please stop, he's going to respect your judgment and try not to take it personally.

7. If you're "too wet." No such thing!

8. If you're a bit dry. Your body is great the way it is but also that's why God invented lube.

9. If you don't want to deep-throat. Deep-throating itself is not what's going to make him orgasm. Sure, it's a turn-on for some guys, but it's not fundamental to great oral.

10. What the hell you do with his semen afterward. He may have a preference over spitting or swallowing, but it's not like it'll be a deal breaker no matter what you choose. Although I guess it might be if you chose to spit it back in his eye? I don't know. To reiterate, he's getting a blow job in this scenario so his day is going pretty damn well so far.

10. If your legs are wrapped "too tight" around his neck. It's not going to kill him, and if something hurts, he'll just say so. Otherwise, assume he thinks this is beyond hot.

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