1. Getting more excited when you walk into store than when you see a photo of your coworker's new baby. Yes, yes, the baby is super cute, but can you imagine how much more organized and Pinterest-esque your closet would be if you bought this all-white organizing system? Does anyone have a tissue? It's just so beautiful you have to walk away for a moment.
2. Not understanding why everyone thinks it's weird that you hand in your rent check five days before it's due. One time you heard about someone turning in their rent on the day it was due or "sometimes the next day," and you stared at them like they just told you that sometimes they don't kill people and sometimes they do.
3. When people ask you why you don't like something, like they don't expect you to have a 90-page pre-printed thesis on the subject already. What? Like there's ever been a time when you didn't like something "just because" and couldn't explain it in specific details for over 30 minutes before people said, "OK, OK, I see your point!" Please. Are these people new?
4. When your friends don't get why you're still beating yourself up for unknowingly having kale stuck in your teeth two weeks ago. You were imperfect for one second, one second, and now it's going to haunt you for life. This is how your brain works and it is madness.
5. Ripping all the hair out of your hairbrush and dropping it in the trash so you can stare at the pristine beauty of a new, clean hairbrush is basically your version of getting high. And this is why you probably do it in the privacy of your room like the creepy ritual it is.
6. Your last relationship's biggest problem was most likely the one you created in your head. It all started with you worrying about something that might be a problem one day and therefore is best worried about right now just in case. You're basically the embodiment of people who get angry at someone for being mean to them in a dream because what if that's a sign they will hurt you in the future. There, there, you poor, sensitive, overthinking thing.
7. There's always one little (totally ridiculous) thing on each and every part of your body that if you could just change slightly would make you perfect. But then you remember the 12,000 things you have to do this week and accept yourself as you are because honestly, no one has ever looked at your left baby toenail and thought it was too square and you know this.
8. You spend more time with your to-do lists and your calendars than you do with your actual friends. But if you do see a friend, at least it will be appropriately planned well in advance and the details squared away weeks before you meet up, with a confirmation call built in the day before on your calendar because you do not fuck around.
9. When you mess up at work and you're shocked because you honestly did not know that could happen. Even though you work so much harder than everyone else, sometimes you still make mistakes like *gasp/vomit* a normal person, and you simply cannot understand how this occurred. Obviously, a formal 900-word apology must be issued so everyone involved knows you would never, ever make a mistake on purpose (also, you do not understand the definition of "mistake") and clearly demons were involved because this does not add up.
10. When you super casually tell someone that your goal in life is to take over the world. And people laugh. And then they look at you. And you're not laughing. And they see you're not laughing. And then it's awkward.
11. Obviously, the correct ratio of someone doing something nice for you and you doing something nice for them is always 1:498977778. I swear all you have to do is say "bless you" when a Virgo sneezes and if they can afford to give you a house, you will get a house.
12. Manners are your lifeblood and those who cannot see this shall perish in flames. One time, someone didn't say "thank you" when you let their car go in front of yours, and that person has since stopped driving because they feared the look you gave them after that oversight so much that they were like, "Screw driving. Too scary."
By Lane Moore
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