1. *Looks at your treasured family photo* "He's sexy!"There are lots of sexy people on this planet. Do you have to zero in on the kid I used to take baths with? You do? Fine. Do you know who else is sexy? Your dad. How do you like them apples?
2. "No, really, is he single?" You know, I love my brother and we are super close and all, but the thing about brother-sister relationships as opposed to sister-sister relationships is that brothers don't usually tell sisters about their dating lives. When they do, we usually cover our ears and go "ew gross stop I don't want to know please just be nice to women thanks."
3. "How old is he again?" You're asking me if he's legal, aren't you?
4. "Is it weird for you if I talk about how cute he is?" A little! If you feel comfortable enough with me to ask me about boning my brother, I assume we're close. Maybe even close like sisters? By the transitive property, that basically makes you and my brother related. Let that marinate for a sec.
5. "Can I have his number?" Why don't you give me yours and I'll pass it along instead?
6. "Would you be cool with it if I hooked up with him?" You're being considerate. That's so nice. Do what you need to do but can you not come talk to me about it after?
7. "Will your brother be at your birthday party?" Maybe! I will also be attending my birthday party, if you want to wish me a happy birthday instead of encroaching on the family jewels.
8. "What if we just set up a casual hangout?" In what context would you, me, and my brother ever have a casual hangout? If we are getting our nails done, he doesn't want to come. If we are staying in and drinking all the wine, he really doesn't want to come. Think about that and get back to me.
9. "I know you know he's objectively cute." Of course he's cute! He's one of my favorite people on the planet! Puppies are also really objectively cute. We can talk about that instead and it won't make me squirmy.
10. "Do you hate when people tell you how hot he is?" LOL nah, keep going.
11. "Does he have a type?" Again, we don't usually discuss sexual preferences because imagining your sibling doing it is weird. One thing I know about my brother (and, like, men in general) is that if he is interested in someone, he will pursue that person.
12. "Would you talk to him for me?" I'd much rather not be the messenger. Why don't you go ahead and talk to him yourself. That way, if you two hit it off I can be objectively happy for both of you! If you don't, I am not at all responsible for the ensuing awkwardness. :D
13. "Don't get all defensive about it!" I'm not defensive, I love my brother! Just like I'd rather him not objectify you or anyone I know, I'd rather you not break him down like a piece of man meat. Oh, great. Now I'm thinking about sibling man meat.
14. "Does he have any cute friends?" Yes and most of them are like my brothers too. But fine, if you really need to get in there (not literally oh dear no), go talk to him about his single friends. Have fun!
15. "What if we were actually sister-in-laws one day?!" Then and only then will we laugh about this conversation.
By Tess Koman
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