Sex Talk Realness: Women's Masturbation Habits

Flicking the bean. Driving Miss Daisy. Clicking the mouse. For this week's Sex Talk Realness, Cosmopolitan.com spoke with four anonymous twentysomething women about when, how, and why they masturbate.

How old are you?

Woman A: Twenty-four.

Woman B: Twenty-eight.

Woman C: Twenty-eight.

Woman D: Twenty-five.

How often do you masturbate?

Woman A: Once a fortnight-ish.

Woman B: Roughly four to six times a week.

Woman C: Several times a week. Depending on how I feel, up to two times each day.

Woman D: Almost daily.

Where and when do you do it?

Woman A: On days off, when I've got the house to myself. I stick primarily to the bedroom, simply to keep the pets out.

Woman B: I usually feel most comfortable in my bedroom because I love my bed and all my sex toys are already in there. Most frequently I do it in the evening or before bed, but since I work from home, I basically do it whenever the mood strikes.

Woman C: Almost always in my bed. I'm lucky enough to work from home so I can take advantage of my "commute" to masturbate on my breaks or during lunch.

Woman D: I masturbate in my bed or in the bathtub. Masturbation is part of my evening routine: call mom, brush my teeth, masturbate, and then fall asleep.

Are you in a relationship currently?

Woman A: Yes.

Woman B: Yes, for about six months.

Woman C: I am married and currently pursuing another potential partner.

Woman D: No.

Does your partner know how much you masturbate, or do you downplay it?

Woman A: He probably assumes I masturbate more than I actually do.

Woman B: He does know and he likes it. He told me once that it makes him feel good to know that I can please myself if he's at work and I'm in the mood. He also likes that I feel comfortable telling him about it.

Woman C: I don't hide it, but I don't tell him every time, unless I want to send a sexy text while he's at work.

Woman D: I am very honest about my sexuality. I tend to want more sex than my partners do, and frequent masturbation helps to even the playing field a bit. I don't feel embarrassed or shy about masturbating. 

Do you masturbate more or less often when you're in a relationship?

Woman A: Less often.

Woman B: Probably about the same. Maybe slightly less.

Woman C: Less, since what would be masturbating can be sex sometimes.

Woman D: About the same.

What do you think about when you masturbate?

Woman A: Often I think of my partner, sex we've had, sex I'd like to have.

Woman B: It varies a lot. Sometimes I'm thinking about my boyfriend or Benedict Cumberbatch. Other times I'm actively trying to not think and let my mind relax. One time, I couldn't stop thinking about the list of things I still had to finish that day. Oddly, that one didn't get in the way of the activity itself.

Woman C: Sometimes I look at sexy GIFs on Tumblr from BDSM and sex-positive blogs; sometimes I read erotic stories, usually from the "resistance/non-consent" section. If it's just my imagination, I will use previous stories or images and mash them together

Woman D: I don't think about anything in particular, really. I focus on the sensations and the rhythms of my hand. I have tried thinking about my partner a few times but I thought it was a bit distracting.

Are there any particular techniques you use?

Woman A: Physically, direct clitoral stimulation. Seems a bit boring compared to sex, but it does the job when you're by yourself. Mentally, my head has to be in the game, or it feels like a waste of time.

Woman B: I mix up how I do things with toys. I love using breast-themed toys like nipple suckers because it helps to recreate the way that sex can allow for multiple erogenous zones to be stimulated at once. One thing I always do, and I'm not sure why, is that I never stimulate the entire clitoris on my own. If you think of it as a small triangle, I pick a side and stick to it until the next time.

Woman C: More often than not, my fingers while lying on my back are really effective. Sometimes I will change it up with a vibrator.

Woman D: When I masturbate I typically aim for at least four orgasms in a session. For the first, I will rub my clit really slowly and when I think I am about to orgasm I will stop. Then, I'll repeat several times until I feel that I have built enough tension. I read about this in Cosmo years ago, it is called "edging" and it works for me. After that, I'll aim for several quick successive orgasms.

How old were you when you first masturbated to orgasm?

Woman A: Maybe about 15. It was really confusing and then all of a sudden really good. It took me a while before I could recreate it though.

Woman B: About 17.

Woman C: Eleven, while secretly watching late-night Cinemax. The movie was called The Naked Detective, and it was a porn parody of a noir film. It was ridiculous, but it worked.

Woman D: My first orgasm was about a month after my 18th birthday. I remember it vividly. I was like, "HOLY SHIT ... this is why people have sex!" It took a while for me to figure that out.

What gave you the idea to try it?

Woman A: Other girls talking at school, and TV shows. I once caught a section of a daytime TV talk show, and they talked about masturbation and sitting under the tap in the bath with your legs on the wall.

Woman B: I had never done anything more than kissing with boys. I read an article in a magazine about female orgasms and realized I had never been able to give myself one. I kind of figured that if I didn't know how I worked, I would never be able to explain it to a boy, so I Googled, "how to achieve orgasm women." As for why I started masturbating in the first place, it just felt right and I went with it.

Woman C: The sexy movie on TV.

Woman D: I remember feeling pleasure from clitoral stimulation at an early age. I didn't quite know what it was but it felt nice. When I was maybe nine or ten I remember stealing my mom's tampons and inserting them to see if it felt good; at that age I felt that that would produce a similar feeling to sex, I guess! I tried various forms of masturbation from there. 

Do you remember what you thought and how you felt when you first did it?

Woman A: It was awkward. I didn't know why people were raving about it, and I didn't know if I was doing it right. I wasn't familiar with my genitals, and poking around in them and expecting it to feel good wasn't a great introduction. More information would have helped with that, and also the feeling that masturbation isn't something to feel guilty or bad about. But honestly, looking back, I probably really wasn't ready for the experience. Everyone at school was talking about it, and I felt like I was missing out. So that would not have helped my feelings of awkwardness either.

Woman B: The second it happened, I thought, That's what that feels like? No wonder everyone makes such a big deal about it. This is awesome!

Woman C: It felt good and also sneaky, since I was staying with my grandparents.

Woman D: It sounds a bit geeky, but I felt like I had solved a puzzle. Ironically, my satisfaction wasn't from feeling sexual release but was from feeling like I had accomplished something — I had figured out how to orgasm!

What are your usual reasons for masturbating now?

Woman A: Usually just because I feel like it. I've had a sexy dream or I'm feeling sexy. Sometimes as a prelude to sex if my boyfriend is popping home at lunch for a quickie or something.

Woman B: I have a lot of reasons for masturbation besides sexual frustration. It just makes me feel powerful in a way nothing else does, boosts my self-confidence, and helps with headaches and lower back pain. It sounds so obvious, but masturbation is a personal form of sex. Instead of bonding with a partner, I feel like I'm bonding with myself.

Woman C: I am in the mood, or stress relief, or trying to fall asleep.

Woman D: Sometimes I masturbate because I'm horny. If I'm texting a guy I like, even if the texts aren't risqué, I can get turned on and want to masturbate. Often, I masturbate for stress relief or to improve my mood. For me, masturbation is about pleasure but not necessarily sexual pleasure. Orgasms are stress-relieving and pain-relieving. If I have an argument with a friend I will masturbate as soon as I get home to get my mind off of it. I cure anxiety over big projects with self-induced orgasms. 

Do you use porn or anything else to get you in the mood?

Woman A: Not very often, because I can rarely find something I'm comfortable with. I tend to avoid even delving into it, because you have to wade through so much disgusting, sexist shit that it has the opposite effect.

Woman B: I love to watch porn. It's mostly soft-core and labeled "female friendly" or "for the ladies." Sometimes I ask my partner for the material and he's always willing to oblige. But I typically don't need any stimulants besides my imagination or memory.

Woman C: Sometimes I use Tumblr or online stories.

Woman D: I watch porn every once in a while but it isn't a big thing for me. In college, my friends would stop by sex shops to purchase something that they would inhale right before they were about to come. It is probably VCR cleaner and I don't think it is healthy, but I do use it occasionally when I'm having sex or masturbating.

What about sex toys?

Woman A: I've never really gotten into it. I only used one once, with a guy I was briefly hooking up with.

Woman B: I do use sex toys. I'm open to trying new things either alone or with my boyfriend and toys help with that. As long as I do the research to get into new things safely and responsibly, I have very few boundaries. I think toys like vibrators, dildos, and even anal plugs or nipple clamps can teach a person a lot about how their body works and what feels good to him or her.

Woman C: I do sometimes, when I want to change it up, or if I am having a really hard time climaxing.

Woman D: I have a drawer of vibrators, dildos, and other really random things I've collected at bachelorette parties. Every once in a while I'll suction my dildo to the floor and masturbate with it but the whole thing seems so artificial. I don't think we should try to make masturbation as close to sex as is possible; they are fundamentally different. I have occasionally wondered if using a fake penis and a fake storyline makes women feel like sexual satisfaction can only come from a man.

Do you talk about masturbation with your friends?

Woman A: Most of the conversations are more about the context than the act itself. One girl at work was slightly younger and she'd just had sex for the first time. She was saying it hurt, it was mostly uncomfortable, and she had no idea why people liked it. It stayed like this for her for the next few times she had sex. She was confused and a bit upset. I recommended that she take the time to find out what she likes on her own. "Go home and masturbate furiously," I think I said to her, as well as saying it's much easier to enjoy sex when you already know what you like, and how to "get there."

Woman B: My close friends and I are very open with each other about sex and masturbation. I've even bought personal sex toys while out with friends. We talk about why or when we like it.

Woman C: Yes, mostly with lady friends, during our ladies' nights. We talk about what works for us, when we started, techniques, and toys. Most of them masturbate. The last time I had a friend say she didn't masturbate and felt weird about it I was in college. The rest of us thought she was either weird or maybe lying. I have gone to sex toy shops with friends before, even helped my mom pick out a rabbit! I'm an open person, and so are my friends. 

Woman D: It depends. My closest group of girl friends are very open about their sexuality — two of us masturbate daily, two of us never masturbate, and one masturbates occasionally. We've all been really open with each other about our preferences and I don't think that the non-masturbaters are any more or less enlightened than the masturbaters; it is just about personal preference.

What's your final word — masturbation or sex?

Woman A: Sex! For sure.

Woman B: Sex. Definitely. Anything I can achieve in masturbation I can achieve through sex in a stronger way. Tension relief or headache eraser, sex is always better. As long as my partner knows what I like. But masturbation still has its uses.

Woman C: Depends on the situation. Sometimes I am too tired for the process of sex. Sex is great for that connected feeling, but it does not always mean climaxing (my partners are great, but sometimes sex wears me out and I just can't come, which never happens with masturbation).

Woman D: I think that masturbation and sex serve two totally separate purposes. Sex is great for expressing love and connecting with another person. Masturbation allows me to focus exclusively on my own desires, which is horribly satisfying. I wouldn't want to limit myself to just one or the other.

Follow Rachel on Twitter.