15 Things Someone Who's Never Watched Game of Thrones Thinks Happen on the Show

Especially #3

21 March, 2018
15 Things Someone Who's Never Watched Game of Thrones Thinks Happen on the Show

​Hello, it's me. The only person in your circle of friends/the known universe who has never watched an episode of Game of Thrones. However, because I live in a world where the show that single-handedly keeps HBO afloat is watched, talked about, and opined on obsessively, I can't avoid knowing some stuff about it. I don't know tons, but I do know the show involves some rejects from Medieval Times (the 5-star restaurant experience) engaging in acts of incest and rape. Like, so so so much rape. Also...

1. I think it's supposed to be fantasy but seems firmly rooted in some of the shittier aspects of our current reality. Like, gender roles and the patriarchy are firmly established in this world, from what I gather, but why does it have to be like that?! Like, if it's actually fantasy, why aren't there giant women with owl wings controlling armies of pregnant men? (Unless that is happening on the show, and in that case, I'll start watching immediately.)

2. The woman from the Sarah Connor Chronicles is screwing her brother, who may or may not still be alive. Actually, I'm pretty sure everyone on this show is having relations with a relative, and I hope both characters are dead. They seem awful. (Or, ugh, "complicated.")

3. They're all incredibly dirty (both physically and sexually). And there's a witch??

4. SPOILER ALERT, Red Wedding is something that happens and you have to say SPOILER ALERT before you talk about it SPOILER ALERT.

5. The show made braids ~a thing~ again for white girls. 

6. There's a super-tall, super-blonde chick who looks like someone I want to be friends with.

7. Peter Dinklage literally charms women's pants off. His character makes lots of jokes — I've seen them on novelty T-shirts worn by bad fans — and makes all women feel funny in their swimsuit area.

8. They show ding dong. But waaaaay more boobs and bush. Because: Patriarchy. Seriously, HBO, call me up and let me run this show and we'll name change it to Dick of Dongs and it'll be all penis, all the time.

9. I think Mr. Bean was on it? Like, the guy who plans Mr. Bean on the Mr. Bean show? I don't know who he is but I'm guessing a villain.

10. There's a boy king and he's suuuuper evil. Everyone hates King Joffrey and wants him dead because he's an evil little wang. 

11.  Someone is a mother to a dragon(s) (?)? Like, biologically? Or just like, in, a dog whisperer-sense of the word? I guess that's at least fantasy. (Also, I think she had to walk naked through the streets and have garbage thrown at her while people shouted, "Shame!" at her? I only know this because my husband did something similar to me when I left dirty dishes in the sink.) (Not the naked part, just the "Shame!" part. He is not a monster, unlike every single character on this heinous show.)

12. Jon Snow can't act. Every time I've taken a gander at him on screen, he's just standing there with his mouth open, looking fine as hell but wooden AF. 

13. There are lots of families and they all fucking hate each other. And so they fight a lot about land and family names and controlling armies and yawn. I saw Gladiator. I am done.

14. There is a lot of violence. And rape. Did I mention that? I'm always hearing people talk about the rape on this show and how it's unnecessary and gross and boy, oh boy, does that make me want to tune in! (PSYCH YO BOOTY SHINE.) (Which is a thing people could say on Game of Thrones if it were really fantasy!)

15. Jon Snow has a fat sidekick. I think I love that guy and want him to be the last man standing. Him, the dragon lady, and Dinklage should have a spin-off called, Blondie, Fatty, and Short Stack Take Manhattan. It'd be like Real Housewives but sexier. I would watch the hell out of that show.

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Credit: Cosmopolitan
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