10 Ways Being Naked Changes After Marriage

1. There's **hot naked** and **weird** naked. No matter what anyone tells you, naked bodies have 2 polarities: super hot and kinda funny. And being married brings out both — tenfold. After all, half of the timesyou're naked together are non-events. Sometimes, someone is just getting ready int he bathroom because it's 8 a.m. and someone happens to be naked, brushing his teeth, and you're like "OK, naked body, flaccid penis, let's give it a friendly nod, moving along now!"

2. You embrace the fact that life is not a porno and being naked does not mean doing things sexily/leading to sex. Like the aforementioned brushing teeth: probably not sexual. But whatever floats your boat.

3. You occasionally try to be naked doing normal things like cooking, but you're terrified of something (i.e. fire) getting in the wrong place (i.e. a penis). Because if you burned your husband's penis, well, that would suck. And then you'd have to live with the guilt.

4. A messy home is now a liability should you sit down on something and get it inside of you. Much like accidentally burning a penis, leaving things like food crumbs on the couch after drunk eating pizza is way more of a concern, because if you sit naked on it and you get pizza crumbs inside of you and get an infection, it's a real guilt trip and not fun for anybody involved.

5. You look back on the days when it was weird to not wear clothes. "Remember when we had roommates and were only naked in bed!?" you say, while you clean the house in nothing but underwear.

6. To that end, going out of the house is that much less attractive. Because then you have to put real clothes on. Hello, half-dressed evenings!

7. And because it sucks to leave the house because you have to put real clothes on, you save money. Look how good being naked is for everyone.

8. It's not awkward if you forgot to shave something. Gone are the days of being able to trim and shave every little piece of hair off your body before your partner sees you in the flesh. And, in good news, he (hopefully) knows you're not a mannequin and that you grow hair on your body.

9. It's also not weird if you point things out to each other. "Is that a new mole!?!" "Oh, you have a little zit there — want me to pop it?" "Is that a rash? Need Benadryl!?" All hot ~foreplay~ — kidding, about the foreplay part. But they're not total mood killers anymore! It's helpful that someone can pop that zit on your back or guide you to the dermatologist if need be.

10. It's super body positive. Who cares if you've gained a few pounds since your wedding? You feel a thousand times more confident, because you know your partner thinks you're sexy even if you've got some rolls when you sit down. You know he's going to see your body through all sorts of fun stuff: pregnancy, a post-baby body, times when you have literally no time to work out, old age, and geriatric sex — it's not your high school jean size he's into. It's you! And you don't care how cheesy that is (because, I mean, it's super cheesy, but, hey, that's nudity when you're married.)