Oral sex is often lauded as the cherry on top of the orgasmic cake for both parties involved: an act of vulnerability and utter release, "I'll have what she's having!", etc. But for some women? It's simply not that enjoyable, especially when receiving oral inspires thoughts like I wish I showered today. Look at that poster on the wall! Is Banksy female? and literally any other minutia that get in the way of getting off. As for giving? Not making eye contact, not making eye contact, not making eye contact. Am I doing this right? Please don't let me gag and throw up right now.
Staying in the moment, whether you're giving or receiving, is a huge aspect of enjoying the act, which is why sex expert Wendy Strgar—the CEO of organic lube brand Good Clean Love and the author of forthcoming book Sex that Works: A Woman's Guide to Embracing the Erotic, Awakening Arousal, and Deepening Intimacy—says that women should consider slowing down and giving in to the heat of the moment.
"I think that women who have a lot of anxiety about oral sex," she says, "are the ones who are trying to perform a sexual act that doesn't turn them on. It easily turns into performance anxiety and it is really hard to stay present when what you are doing doesn't excite you."
And much of the performance anxiety is hardly necessary, according to Meygan Caston, a relationship coach from Marriage365, since she says that the most important thing is that your partner senses that you want him. "Knowing you're excited to serve is more powerful than any technique you're missing," she says.
Below, we asked Strgrar and Caston on their best tips for making oral sex more enjoyable for both parties.
1. Take Your Time
Caston says that the best way to rev up the moment may be counterintuitive. Slow down the foreplay rather than rushing into things: "Use this time to explore and gently kiss all over his body. This teasing will get him excited about what's in store next and begin to increase his anticipation. Don't rush through this, but allow both of you to be completely present."
2. Use Your Hands
Strgar recommends using scented oil for starters and allowing the moment to be a process for both partners.
Caston agrees, saying, "Be sure to have a firm grip on the base of his shaft and have your lips go at least to the base of his frenulum (where the head of his penis connects to the shaft and the most sensitive part of his penis). In a rhythmic motion let your lips meet your hands." And don't forget his other sensitive bits. "Embrace his testicles. There are a ton of nerve endings in his scrotum and gently caressing and massaging while performing oral sex will certainly send him over the edge."
3. Let Go
Letting go of worries and fears and bringing a sense of focus to the task at hand can help you get into the mood and actually enjoy pleasuring your partner. "The danger of giving oral sex as a service," Strgar says, "is that when you are not into it and it doesn't turn you on sexually, the act becomes perfunctory and over time maybe a source of resentment. I don't personally recommend doing things sexually for others that don't feel arousing to you. Because you can easily slip into the opposite—of not wanting to be sexual at all, or worse still like your arousal is less important."
4. Study Your Numbers
And sometimes all it takes is a little mutual love. "One way to move oral sex out of the idea of service is to add a new level of interaction through the classic position of 69," says Stgrar. "This form of oral sex actually adds the rocket fuel of mutual satisfaction and there is an interesting way that each person's technique and preferences informs the other. It also takes some of the self consciousness out of the process, because it feels less like performing than it does engaging together."
5. Heighten the Senses
To make the most of the moment, Strgar recommends using a favorite essential oil diluted in a healthier carrier oil because she says it gets the olfactory senses and the limbic section of the brain (AKA the area of the brain responsible for arousal) involved, while keeping things down there lubricated. "I also always recommend adding scent to oral sex, which is the only way I can engage with it personally."
6. Indulge in Fantasies
While some believe that indulging in pornographic fantasies during sex can remove you from an intimate moment in a negative way, Strgar says that certain types of fantasy are "critical to super-charged oral sex." Why? She says that fantasizing during oral sex can help woman with anxieties and worries derive more pleasure and control from acting out their deeper desires. "Women who allow these thoughts to emerge, even if they never share them will be able to enjoy all kinds of erotic acts, like oral sex in a way that actually turns them on. "
7. Work What You've Got
Circling back to Caston's point on desire and connection trumping technique, she says that the best sex involves being confident enough to play up your best features: "Your man adores you, so give him the pleasure of watching you do your thing. Assuming that you are both naked, or in sexy lingerie, allow him to enjoy seeing your cleavage. Try tracing his penis along your breasts as a different sensation."
8. Don't Knock the Power of Praise
And finally? "Compliment his genitals," says Caston. "It goes a long way. Later, send him an affirming and flirty text while he's at work and let him know how attractive he is underneath those boxers."