If you're single, you've no doubt heard a tonne of dos and don'ts when comes to talking to men: never bring up heavy topics, ask lots of questions, be a good listener, and don't yap too much. But what self-respecting woman wants to just shut up and nod every five seconds? Certainly not you, we're sure! According to experts, these are old-fashioned rules that you should toss anyway. "Those traditional guidelines limit how much you open up to a guy, and being talkative is exactly guy for you.
Don't say a word-yet
Even before you engage in a one-on-one conversation with a guy you're into, it's important to work the room and chat up the other people around you: the bartender, a friend, the dude next to you in line. While this showcases that you are friendly and open to meeting new people, it also attracts him on a deeper, biological level.
This is called mate copying-in humans and other animals, males and females are drawn to members of the opposite sex who are perceived as desirable by others. So when a guy watches you socialise, he sees that you're well liked by lots of people, which ups your allure significantly, putting you in control.
"The next time you're out with friends, talk to at least three people you don't know," suggests Hartman. Not only will this boost your appeal, but it will also help you become more comfortable sharing information about yourself. "Talking with strangers takes practice," says Hartman. "So striking up a conversation with those you don't have a romantic interest in is a good warm-up for when you're talking to a man you are attracted to." Try making sure you seem interested and even, at times, captivated by what others have to say around you-it shows that you're genuine and definitely not self-centred.
When you do talk, follow the 50/50 rule...
You've probably been told that guys love a good listener, and while that is true to a point (who doesn't?), women often rely on listening, rather than talking, to communicate attraction. "In the past, women were socialised to think that talking too much can seem overbearing to others and that listening attentively is a more polite way to show interest," explains Hartman.
But if you let him just go on and on about himself, you'll be bored out of your mind and he'll think you're boring too. "He'll walk away thinking you're bland because you didn't give him any insight into your personality," says Hartman. That's why it's smarter to mimic what you would naturally do with girlfriends: for every piece of info he reveals about himself, you should share something as well. Give the guy something to go on.
...Then bond over details
Most single women are so reluctant to be seen as the stereotypical ditz that they now err on the side of being a little too reserved. Yet sharing personal stories and opinions- like mortifying childhood moments or why you think L.A. Ink is a fascinating social experiment-obviously increases the odds that you'll discover something that links the two of you together.
It could be a similarity, but it doesn't have to be. You may reveal some issue on which your opinions are so opposite that it introduces a little sexy tension into the conversation (e.g., you love New York City and he's into Los Angeles, so a playful debate about which place is cooler is sparked). "Either way, outing little details about yourself creates an immediate sense of compatibility, which will actually heighten his attraction to you," says Diana Kirsch ner, Ph.D., author of Love In 90 Days. Once you've found some common ground, you'll both start to loosen up, and things will begin to flow effortlessly.
Let him hear your bodytalk
When you're chatting with a guy, it's not just your lips that are doing the sharing. Experts say more than half of communication is nonverbal, so to really draw someone in with your words, you have to accompany what you're saying with the right body language. For example, as you relay a personal story, gesture with your palms up. "This is a sign of vulnerability, so it subconsciously clues a man in to the fact that you're open to getting to know him better, and it helps him feel more comfortable being around you," says nonverbal-communication expert Marc Salem, professor of psychology at Marymount Manhattan College, US.
To put him at ease, try the 5 in 15 ratio: casually touch the guy you're talking to 5 times within every 15 minutes. "Touching the other person will subconsciously make him feel closer to you and that ratio is the right balance of being effective without being obvious," explains body-language expert Janine Driver, author of You Say More Than You Think. Try telling him that you love his watch and gently touch his wrist, or briefly put your hand on top of his as you ask him a serious question.
Don't play it so safe
Sticking to benign topics will ensure that you won't rock the boat. But being fearless by sharing something that's a little out there-for instance, recounting the time you won a karaoke contest with your awesome rendition of Endless Love or admitting that you've seen all the Terminator movies at least twice-shows an attractive amount of balls-out confidence, says Kirschner. "It also gives him a specific, memorable detail about you that will stay on his mind and separate you from the other women he's talked to."
When you reveal your personality quirks, he'll know you're the type of person who isn't afraid to take chances and have fun. He'll want to ask you out so he can get in on it.