"I Used Nothing but Kardashian-Endorsed Products for an Entire Week"

It was an adventure.

21 March, 2018
"I Used Nothing but Kardashian-Endorsed Products for an Entire Week"

On an autumnal Tuesday evening, narcoleptic prophet and dad Kanye West received a message from the heavens (translation: he had a thought) and released it into the world.

[twitter ]https://twitter.com/kanyewest/status/646504665929027584" >

He didn't know it, probably because he conked out right after, but a girl wrist-deep in body-plumping cream and "dragon's blood" serum had already beaten him to the punch. 

That girl is me, and this is the story of how I spent a whole week using, wearing, and consuming almost nothing but Kardashian/Jenner-endorsed products. I went method Kardashian, contemplated identity, and got so #HighOnLyfe that I could feel my atoms vibrating.

First things first: the rules. I decided that, for this little bit of stunt journalism to be interesting, I could only use items marketed and manufactured by the Kardashians — I called in more than 30 total, including fashion, beauty, tech, and mind-altering beverages. 

Topline observations after seven days: My hair got better, but considering the tumbleweed/mushroom chimera I started with, I'd be surprised if it didn't. My skin got worse (probably from not drinking as much water as usual because of the *other* things I was drinking — more on that in a minute).  My waist didn't get any tinier because the trainer restricted my brain activity, so I had to give it up because I needed all my mental faculties to cover #MilkshakeSquirrel. And my energy level became a thing of wonder to my colleagues — every jolt and jitter was thoroughly documented and commented on in our group chat. (Thanks, guys.)

Hype was probably what I was most interested in/afraid to try (you know it: the drink that once made Kim Kardashian hallucinate that she was Audrey Hepburn and Marie Antoinette). I kept a diary so that, in the event of my death, you would all have a record of what happened:

11:37 a.m.: First two sips. I don't know if this is psychosomatic, but I already feel speedy.

11:38 a.m.: Not imagining it. The thingy on my Apple Watch says my heart rate is at 74 BMP, which is up eight beats from what it was at 11:35 a.m. So ... I guess it's working?

11:47 a.m.: I set the can aside. Maybe two sips is enough.

12:15 p.m.: I still sense its presence. 

12:27 p.m.: Typetypetypetypetype.

12:45 p.m.: "I CAN FLYYYY!!!!!" *Faceplants.*

What was a bit intense for me, a non-coffee-drinker who goes full-on Hammy after one cup of PG Tips, may be a normal day's jolt for an energy-drink fan. But quite a lot of involuntary and obvious body movements happened during the test period, which violates what I imagine is Kardashian Kommandment No. 495: "Thou shalt not think 'shrink wrap' — thou shalt be shrink wrap." (You know, because of Kris's firming lotions and Kim's/Khloé's/Kourtney's/Kendall's/Kylie's body-con clothes.)

Which is a good segue: Of all the crop tops, pencil skirts, and rib-knit Naked Wardrobe I wore this week, the loosest thing was a $160 NBD dress Kendall and Kylie both have. It was cute. It ​was​ short — definitely too short for the office, but then again I work at a fashion magazine, so #AnythingGoes.

Contrary to the old saying, I didn't actually have to suffer for beauty this week — in fact, the stuff I used from Kris's, Kourtney's, and Kylie's regimens was ?, even if they weren't exactly right for me. The Kardashians ​know ​hair, so you can't go wrong with pretty much anything from their namesake line, but the dry conditioner (so on trend), black seed dry oil, and the rose-gold hair dryer are the true standouts. I've got to ask though: If they're using so much moisturizing skin care like Philosophy Ultimate Miracle Worker (one of the most blendable SPF formulas I've ever used) and the chock-full-of-hyaluronic-acid Nip+Fab serum, HOW ARE THEY SO MATTE?

Anyway, by the end of the week, I'd started to get what this stuff is all about: Put together a profile of the K Squad, and you'll find that these are defiant, disciplined women who would willingly wear flat-pack vacuum bags with the air suctioned out because that's how proud they are — as they should be — of their hard-won bodies. They refuse to kowtow to time (Kris's and Kylie's anti-aging products), to indulgence (the waist trainer), to genetics (their 28,384 hair-taming products), to sleep (the Lyfe Tea and the Hype), to anything that undermines their ability to be whoever they want.

There's something noble about keeping up a fight you know you're eventually going to lose, but what I've learned after this week is that they don't think that way — because they don't have to. They've defied everything (nature, a nay-saying culture) to become our reigning kweens of pop culture. They can do whatever they hell they want, and I may just hang onto some of the tools they use to do it.

Would Buy:

1. The lace version of an impressively well-cut Kardashian Kollection jumpsuit that got me as many compliments as that one time I wore a red-carpet gown everywhere, $80, shopdashonline.com

2. Kardashian Beauty Black Seed Dry Oil, $16.49, ulta.com.

3. NBD dress​, $160, revolveclothing.com.

4. Kardashian Beauty Premium Finish Hair Dryer, $89.99, target.com.

5. Estée Lauder Little Black Primer​, $24, sephora.com.

Mmmm Maybe Not:

Hype

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Credit: Cosmopolitan
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