It's so unfair that while your guy has to try not to explode, triggering your orgasm during sex can feel like a major project. Blame it on the way we're built. "Women take longer to reach their peak because their anatomy is more complicated," explains Sadie Allison, Ph.D., author of Ride 'Em Cowgirl! Sex Position Secrets For Better Bucking. Unlike the penis, which is stimulated from tip to base during intercourse, your clitoris is slightly separate from the action.
You could tell your partner what to do every step of the way, except that calling out directions won't exactly put you in an orgasmfriendly headspace. And it would be really distracting for him too. For guys, libido and confidence are linked, so "even the suggestion that he's doing something wrong in bed can make him insecure and derail his desire," says Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., author of Touch Me There! "Most men want to make you orgasm-they just don't know how."
The best way to help him help you without killing the mood totally is to lead him along by subtly hinting at what his next move should be. Because guys are so visual, not to mention tuned in to every sound that comes out of your mouth, it's actually pretty easy. Follow our how-tos and climaxing with him every time will go from a long shot to a sure thing.
Perfect his kiss
Right out of the gate, most guys make the mistake of giving you the same warm-up they want: enthusiastically grabbing your boobs and rubbing between your legs in a way that's as sensual as walking through an automatic car wash. So let him know that, unless you're already super-horny, he has to turn you on above the neck before he starts exploring below.
Guarantee that happens by starting with prolonged lip action. "Kissing helps spark your arousal," says Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., author of Emotional Fitness For Intimacy. Get your man to kiss you exactly the way you want by exaggerating your mouth moves so he can adapt to your rhythm, says Fulbright. Gently suck his lower lip, flick your tongue against his mouth, and vary the pressure with which you press your pout against his. "This strategy always works because we tend to mirror our partner," says Fulbright.
That said, guys often get impatient, so if he tries to speed ahead to tonsil hockey, pull back for two seconds, then slowly lock lips again. When he gets it right, silently reward him by grabbing his thigh or pushing your body closer to his.
When you're ready to increase the intensity, kiss your way down from his ear to his neck and collarbone. Then, lean your head back a little and let him return the favour. Be sure to moan and sigh when he hits the right spots. It's all about positive reinforcement: convey that it's his moves that are making you hot and he'll keep doing them, says Allison.
The push that sends you over the edge
He can take you to the brink, but that final leap is all you. Try one or all of the following moves to see which does it for you.
Add a little lube
Staying wet is crucial to maintaining the steady rhythm you need to hit your high note, but it's easy to dry out during intercourse. When you sense you're approaching that final round, smooth some extra lube (or try Vaseline) on his penis and your clitoris to keep the action smooth. He can take you to the brink, but that final leap is all you. Try one or all of the following moves to see which does it for you.
Focus on your clitoris
Just thinking of what's going on down there-the warm, wet pressure of his body sliding against you-automatically magnifies the pleasure you're experiencing. Plus, visualising the action evokes the same risquÃ© feeling as watching porn.
Brace your bod
Your body naturally clenches right before you orgasm, so tensing your butt and thigh muscles as well as your PC muscle (the one you squeeze to stop your urine flow) will help kick-start the chain reaction that leads to the blissful nerve-overload.
Chant a word or phrase
Repeating something aloud helps you stay mentally focussed. A string of sexy yes, yes, yes's or a moaning a phrase like "I'm gonna come" over and over keeps your brain trained on your goal.
Synchronise your breathing
Matching your inhalations and exhalations with his will help bring you to the same level of arousal, and keep the two of you in the same rhythm-so if he's about to finish, you'll be with him. Also, breathing faster increases circulation, boosting every sensation.
Call up your go-to fantasy
You know how you have that one fantasy that never fails to set you off when you're masturbating? There's nothing wrong with conjuring up that same image when you're with your guy. Just make sure you don't scream out Brad Pitt's name.
Play your highlight reel
Just like athletes visualise scoring before they actually do it, mentally replaying your last or most memorable orgasm automatically puts you in the same O-inducing headspace.
He's going to remember this night for the rest of his life. Don't let him rip off your clothes. Setting the groundwork for an amazing O is all about building erotic tension.
Slow him down and focus his attention where you want it most by stripping in small increments. For example, ease off your shirt but keep on your bottoms and he'll automatically zero in on your breasts. Then let your fingers do the coaching: touch yourself the way you'd like him to. Trace circles around your nipples with your fingertips, cup your breasts, knead them gently (or firmly) and he'll get the picture, says Fulbright.
Another trick: bring chocolate sauce or any other yummy substance to bed. Let a little spill on the spot where you want to feel his mouth and invite him to lick it off, says Allison. It's a fun way to make him realise that the sides and bottoms of your breasts-not just the nipples-crave kisses and licks.
Coyly stopping him when he attempts to slide off your undies (drop a line like "Uh-uh, not yet" to let him know you're being playful) will encourage him to explore your lower abdomen and upper thighs with his mouth. It'll also get him to stimulate your clitoris over the fabric of your panties, which is a sexy way to warm you up, says Fulbright.
This is yet another instance when a DIY move pays off. Let him watch you put your hand over your entire pubic mound, with your fingertips over your clitoris, and massage it and the whole area around it using a circular or up-and-down motion. Then lightly place his hand on the same spot so he can take over.
When you're hungry for direct contact, move the crotch of your underwear over to give his fingers access-pulling the fabric so that your clitoris is exposed but most of your vulva is still covered to direct him right to your hot spot. As he touches you, let him know what works by turning up the volume on your moans or naughty talk whenever a stroke feels amazing and staying quiet when one doesn't. "Guys learn from direct feedback," says Goldsmith, so saying things like "Omigod, right there feels so good" will tattoo these moves into his brain.
Tongue in training
Make no mistake, most guys Cosmo polls love going down on a woman. But they may skip or rush through it because they have no clue what to do, says Fulbright. Give him a crystal-clear demonstration of what you want by saying "This is what I'd love for you to do to me down there," then pulling him toward you for a steamy kiss, using your tongue to demonstrate what you would like him to do to your hoo-ha, suggests Goldsmith. Start off with light pecks and tongue flicks, and work your way up to a deep, powerful kiss.
Swivelling your hips up and down or side to side as his tongue is pressed against your clitoris will signal the strokes you prefer. And don't forget to bust out the positive reinforcement again: telling him how good it feels, moaning and groaning, and gently tugging on his hair.
While some women can orgasm via vaginal stimulation alone, constant clitoral action is required to take most of us to the edge. That's why having an O via intercourse can be tricky-especially when you want him to do the work (which means you-on-top isn't an option). "You need to be in a position that lets him touch your clitoris with his hands or rub against it with his pubic bone," says Fulbright.
Our experts recommend spooning-with you two lying on your sides, facing the same direction with your back pressed against his chest-or doggie-style. Both of these positions make it easy for him to reach his hands around and stroke your clitoris while he thrusts. If your clitoris feels too sensitive to his touch, shift the pads of his fingers above, to the side, or below to keep the feeling going without overloading you. Or try slipping the bedsheet or your panties between you and his fingers. "Continue the ongoing pressure, even if it's not direct, to build to your orgasm," says Allison.
For a hands-free move, try this variation on missionary: place one pillow under your butt, which will prop up your pelvis. Then have your guy lie on top of you, his legs between yours. After he enters you, he should shift his body forward, so that his pubic bone rubs against your clitoris with each thrust, says Fulbright. If you need him to press harder, grab his butt and pull it toward you. Don't forget to moan in his ear or say "Oooh, keep doing that" to let him know you're getting closer.
Go all the way
"At this point, you're so close, it's crucial that he keeps doing what he's doing," says Allison. Continue guiding his butt with your hands if you're in missionary, or if he's stimulating your clitoris with his hand, cover it with yours to encourage him to keep at it. Almost there but fall off the tracks?
Rewind the action by asking him to go down on you for a few minutes, says Fulbright. Say something like "I'm about to have the best orgasm of my life. This will make it even better," so he doesn't feel like he screwed up. Whatever you do, don't hold back when you feel that intense flood of sensation. Let him know you're hitting your peak-all (or mostly) thanks to him. And after the big finish, go over what you loved with praise like "I practically lost my mind when you…." Recapping is a key step, says Goldsmith. "It's important to tell him what worked for you while he's relaxed and everything is fresh in his mind," he says. Your guy will remember every move and, next time, you can just lie back and let him work his magic.