22 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Single Girl

1) "So, how's the love life?"

So simple and yet SO irritating. Trust me, when my life is full of the joys of a new man, I will be shouting it from the rooftops.

2) "Can I play on your Tinder?"

I'm glad my love life amuses you. Sure, it amuses me, but that's not the point.

3) "Your life is so exciting! I'm so jealous!"

You're not really, though, are you? Not when you're spending a cosy Saturday night in getting your boobs rubbed by your boyfriend, having a takeaway and wine AND you get to have sex at the end of it all.

4) "You're just too picky, that's all."

Well if picky is having resorted to being open to going on a date with pretty much every male in a 50 mile radius apart from my brother and my dad, then yeah. I guess I am.

5) "So who are you taking as your plus one?"

*All-consuming dread sets in*

Is it socially acceptable to take your mum to a colleague's wedding? Again?

6) "Oh my god, I've got the PERFECT guy to set you up with"

Funnily enough, I don't feel happy about trusting you to set me up with yet another of your boyfriend's ridiculous mates he met on a stag do. There's a reason they've been single since Magaluf '09.

7) "God, what's wrong with everyone? You're such a hoot!"

Well I hadn't really considered that ALL of the men didn't like me. Whatever happened to just not having found the right one yet? Speaking of which…

8) "Don't worry about it! It'll happen when you least expect it"

And that is WHEN exactly?

9) "At least you can go out whenever you want, without having to answer to anybody"

Pretty sure I was 'allowed' to do that while being with my last boyfriend.

10) "Just go on holiday on your own!"

SRSLY?

11) "Have you tried speed-dating?"

I'm not Bridget Jones single.

12) "Make sure you're happy on your own, first."

I AM happy on my own. I just prefer being happy with someone else.

13) "Just put yourself out there a bit more"

Besides physically locking myself outside my house I don't think I could physically be ANY MORE OUT THERE.

14) "There's plenty more fish in the sea"

What if I liked the fish I used to have?

15) "You've got a great career! Who needs a man?"

Can't have sex with your career, though, can you.

16) "Haha! I wish I was single again!"

When you laugh at my stories of yet another failed date or another weirdo I saw on Tinder, that is a very definite sign you do NOT wish you were single again. But is a very definite sign that you are laughing at my misery. At least someone is.

17) "I can totally be your wingwoman!"

Ah, that's really nice that you are offering up your services to me. It makes me feel like a lame little lobster that is unable to find a mate for life on its own.

18) "I'm so jealous of all the 'me time' you get!"

And I'm so jealous of all the 'sex time' you get.

19) "What happened to... what was his name?"

We actually fell madly in love and got married, sorry you weren't invited. I am currently in my fifth month of pregnancy and picking out the good schools for little Susie. What do you think?

20) "It's kind of a couples thing..."

Oh, I'm so glad you told me. I am in fact allergic to being around people who aren't single and so it is important I am warned of social events involving large proportions of couples at all times.

21) "You just need to start dating again."

Because men are like buses and if I date one, three will come along at once? While I appreciate the sentiment that I force myself on dates I don't want to be on in the hope that will somehow restore some secret trick I've been missing, I'll pass.

22) "At least you're saving some money."

Trust me, the money I am saving on romantic dinners and birthday presents I am spending in wine and a Netflix subscription.

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