Someone Tell Me Why This Masturbation Shirt for Men Exists

​When I get a spare moment of time in my busy day, I like to think about what sort of things we could invent to make life even more luxurious and disgusting for men. But even if I had all the time in the world to brainstorm, I never could've come up with something that perfectly nails the intersection of needlessly gross and borderline illegal quite like the JerkShirt does.

Created by camming site Cam Soda, the JerkShirt is a large man-tunic that promises to make jerking off in public a feasible and discreet activity in the Year of Our Patriarch Lord 2016. A prosthetic arm fills one sleeve so your jerkin' hand is free to reach beneath the voluptuous button-down and tug away to your heart's (and penis's) content. And I know what you're thinking — what about the inevitable, sloppy mess that results from a man's orgasm? Worry not! The makers of JerkShirt thought of everything and installed a "splash guard" to the underside of the shirt, so no one has to know you've just spewed forth like a fire hydrant in the middle of the workday. 

Because JerkShirt wants to be as realistic as possible, it looks eerily similar to that one shirt that literally every man owns and has various skin tone options available for the prosthetic arm. 

Finally, men can jerk off in all the inappropriate public places they've been jerking off in for years (like the subway and in parking lots) without the risk of getting caught. And in case you, like me, were hoping and praying this shirt was perhaps just a big hoax — it's not! It's totally real! In an email to Cosmopolitan.com, Daron Lundeen, president of Cam Soda and mastermind behind the JerkShirt, said his product is marketed to "serious buyers but marketing is lighthearted since it's a funny topic." 

When asked if he anticipated any backlash from ~feminist critics~, he replied, "we do not." ?

JerkShirt hasn't hit the market just yet. You can add your name to a waitlist on the JerkShirt's website and watch a demo video for the shirt, which I'll link here with the obvious disclaimer that it's NSFW and shouldn't be watched if you're trying to keep down your lunch. 

Follow Hannah on Twitter.