How Not to Go Down on a Girl

It is your duty as a woman - nay!

1. Don't approach it like you are doing her a favor. You're going down on her, not reluctantly skipping your fantasy sports game to go to her zitty cousin's graduation dinner at Pizzeria Uno. Do not break from kissing and slink down towards her vag cav with one of those "This is why I'm your hero, baby" looks that's enough to break the Official Alec Baldwin Smarm-Meter. Think back to your 12-year-old self staring at pixelated versions of what you are doing right now; you're lucky this woman's letting you put your mouth on her babymaker.

2. No need to over-salivate, brah. Too much wetness means no friction, and no friction means that her clitoris is swimming in the Dead Marshes of Mordor from Lord of the Rings rather than being properly stimulated. Also, you guys are going to have to sleep in this bed afterward, aren't you? Hope you like sleeping in a spit-bog!

3. Not too much chin, please. Overly chinny oral sex for women is like overly toothy oral sex for men. Unless you have a vibrator for a chin, in which case I am officially optioning your life rights for a sitcom called FrankenHusband, keep your chin out of my vagina.

4. Do not be blithely unaware that your beard hurts, sir! That five o'clock shadow that looked super hot on you while we were at dinner does not feel hot when it is brushing against the sensitive petals of a lady's Wonder Orchidâ„¢. Furthermore, spin class with crotchal beard-burn hurts like a motherfucker. Be more considerate! At least you're not Paul Bunyan - he had copious facial hair plus a proportionally huge dong. (Weirdly, you never hear any homespun Americana folklore about the numerous weary, limping normal-sized human women doing the early-morning walk of shame out of Paul Bunyan's house.)

5. Don't add. Just maintain. When an oral-sex-receiving woman is making noises like she is enjoying herself, that triggers a bullhorn-decibel yell in the male brain, "Oh, she likes the gentle circular motion of my tongue on her clitoris? Let me add some weirdly hard fingering from this angle down here that sucks!" Don't listen to that dude on the bullhorn. He's lying to you. Keep doing exactly what you're doing, sans bells and whistles.

6. Oh, and while we're on the subject of that super rough mid-cunnilingus fingering, what the hell is that? Fingering can be glorious for ladies because it can find and stimulate a tiny area better than a penis can. This is the precise opposite of artlessly jamming two or three fingers into a girl really hard just because she is getting wet from your awesome tongue skillz - which actually defeats the purpose of said tongue skillz. Unless the purpose was to make her feel like a clogged garbage disposal. If I wanted something in there at this point, it would be your penis.

7. Do not go into the 69 position without a confirmed yes. Nothing is more jarring than floating in oral sex land with your eyes closed and then suddenly feeling a dick bang against your teeth. Of course oral sex should be given mutually, but there is no requirement that it has to be at the precise same time. Some girls like it, others don't. Just make sure she's into it beforehand, and if she's not, don't pressure her.

8. Don't cartoon cat-lick it. Like you're lapping from a saucer of cream. It's just weird.

9. Don't look up at us to gauge our orgasmic progress. It is pretty common knowledge that men like watching women blow them, even going so far as to pull their hair back to get a better view (which inevitably snags on their watch and that's why I am partly bald in front today, JKJK!).

10. Never go down on a woman after you have both just watched Pulp Fiction. Specifically, the part where Bruce Willis's creepy sex daughter, or whatever the hell she is, asks him to give her "oral pleasure." Ugh. Shudders all around.

By Anna Bresla

See the full story on Cosmopolitan.com

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