11 Things Guys Think When You Ask Them to Go Down on You

"Like right now?"

1. I had things I planned on doing today. I love you, and I love making you orgasm, but I know this is going to take forever. And I know sex is going to be involved. But it's kind of like when you were a kid and your dad was like, "Hey, want to go to McDonald's?" and you were like "Hell yeah, dad" and then he told you "OK, I just have to stop at Home Depot first." And you were all, "fuckkkkk" and then you spent like an hour at Home Depot looking at boring pipes and junk and maybe stealing some paint swatches because those were free. And then you finally got to go to McDonald's which was great. Sex is basically that, I think.

2. Are you going to reciprocate? I realize that our orgasms are different. A woman's orgasm is more of a semicolon on the sentence of sex action, while a guy's is a period. But I wouldn't turn down a little bit of weiner-mouth action.

3. Can we just go over one more time, in detail, why 69ing is not a valid option here? It's not weird. It's efficient. It's like carpooling but for mouth sex.

4. If I'm going to do hand stuff, we need to set up some kind of swing or elevated platform. Do you understand how hard it is to do anything and also go down on you at the same time? Did you know it's possible for my whole body to cramp up? No? That's probably because you never went down on yourself and tried to fingerblast yourself at the same time before.

5. I'm going to need a water break at the 10 minute mark. Don't get mad at me. Hydration is important.

6. I promise, I'll start in a minute, I just think it's a smart idea if I get a neck pillow. JUST LET ME DO IT FOR MY OWN PEACE OF MIND I KNOW IT'S NOT SEXY.

7. Also, try not to move around so much. I know it's hard, but you're like a slippery eel when you're close to orgasm. It makes it tough to keep doing what I'm doing that makes you orgasm in the first place.

8. And while we're going over rules, keep in mind that I need to be able to breathe through my nose. You tend to forget that one when I'm down there. No smashing it into your mons pubis please.

9. Do you really expect quality nipple play right now?  I have stubby arms. You  know  that about me.

10. Alright, I'm getting way too turned on.  Seriously, you better not fall asleep on me after this.

11. OK, if we're having sex, you're on top.  I need a moment to recover.

By Frank Kobola

See the full story on Cosmopolitan.com

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