1. The Alpha Couple. This is the couple that is constantly crushing it. They both have jobs that require at least eight years of graduate studies. They have a boat. Your parents don't even have a boat. They moved to a big city but still keep in touch. When they have kids, at least one of them will be named something awesome like "Hunter." There's nothing wrong with them and they're perfectly fine people, but hearing about their life makes you feel bad.
2. The Couple That Does Everything First. First to get engaged. First to marry. First to pop out a kid. It's like they're winning a race against no one, frantically trying to "do all the grownup stuff" like they live in the world of âLogan's Runâ and will die at 30.
3. The Crazy-in-Love Couple. This couple is your entire social network feed. They love each other but they're more concerned with telling everyone else than they are each other. At any given time, their picture/banner is the two of them kissing. They use "bae" unironically. You've probably unfollowed them by now.
4. The Why-Are-You-Still-Together? Couple. This is the couple that âmustâ have mind-blowing sex because you can't figure out whey else they'd still be together. They argue and "break up" and blast each other online constantly. You've had to console them at least twice after breakups, only for them to get back together a week later. They both look sad whenever you see them.
5. The Ghost Couple. They started dating and now they're gone. Just gone. You've verified they're still alive, as they sporadically update their Facebook photos, but they will never hang out with you again.
6. Your Double-Date Couple. They might not be your individual best friends, but collectively, they're the couple you can tolerate the most together. So you find yourself hanging out with them a lot as a compromise. They're both pretty OK.
7. The Hobby-Lovers. This couple gets super into camping. Or rock-climbing. Or Crossfit. It's what they're all about. You're convinced that if one of them gave up on it, they'd have nothing in common and just cease to be a couple. Whenever they post a picture together, they're only in the middle of an elaborate activity. They might even switch things up every few months, but they're always hobbying.
8. The Long-Distance Couple. One of them lives nearby, so you feel bad not inviting them to couple's events, and then feel bad when they're essentially a perpetual third wheel anyway.
9. The Way-Too-Chill Couple. You wouldn't even know it if they broke up. They barely hang out together. They go out alone, they don't even spend holidays together. It works for them, apparently, but you're pretty sure they go months without speaking.
10. The Total Mismatch. There's nothing wrong with this couple; they're just the weirdest pair ever. One parties hard while the other prefers to stay home and read a book. Or one is a staunch Republican and the other is an unyielding Democrat. Or one is super nice and the other one is always grumpy.
11. The Couple That Will Never Get Married. They still date like they're in college. Their "couples vacation" is spring break. They always invite you out drinking. They are perpetually 22.
12. The They-Must-Be-Robots Couple. This couple is so perfect it drives you insane. They act like they're still on their first month of dating, even though they've been together for years. They always seem to be having candle-lit dinners and going on vacation and surprising each other with presents. It's like a Nicholas Sparks book where no one dies.
13. The Well-Sexed Couple. Whenever you come over, you get the vibe that they âjust finishedâ having sex. When you leave, you get the vibe that they're going to do it the second you shut the door. They are both hot and always glowing. You're pretty sure they host orgies.
14. The Couple That Knows Everyone. They know anyone and everyone within a 5-mile radius. If you need something done, they "know a guy." If you meet someone new, they have some weird, ancillary connection to this couple. They host parties a lot, and, come to think of it, you know basically all your friends through them.
15. The Couple That Hates Kids. âYou know they hate kids, because every time one of your friends gets pregnant, they tell you that they hate kids and are never having them. They plan to grow old together and continue to be cool and spontaneous until they die. They're always traveling to some cool place and posting selfies doing things that no kid could ever do. Kilimanjaro is next.
By Frank Kobola
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