1. What does "rough" mean? It's too late to sit down and flip through an hour-long PowerPoint presentation about what "rough sex" entails and what her expectations are. I guess we're role-playing as John Wetton and Geoff Downes from '70s rock band Asia, because we're in the "Heat of the Moment."
2. I guess I should start by spanking her. Spanking is a great litmus test for just how rough this rough sex should be. It's still probably best to start off with a light tap, like a butt pat.
3. All right, that barely even registered on her butt's Richter scale. I guess I should crank it up a notch. Time to give her a friendly slap. Oh wow, she didn't mind that either.
4. Should I do it even harder? All right, I'm going to slap her ass like it insulted my mother. Holy shit, she loved it. Wipe that giddy smirk off your face and play it cool.
5. I guess I should pull her hair now? This is weird. I feel like a cowboy and a 5-year-old and I don't know if I like the feeling or not.
6. Harder? I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
7. This is awesome. I'm pumping so hard and fast and I feel like Christian Bale in American Psycho except for all the murder stuff. I'm gonna flex.
8. I'M CRAMPING. Oh, god. This is too much. One man wasn't meant to do this much legwork that quickly. Is she even enjoying this?
9. Oh, gross. Now I'm just really sweaty. It's like I ran a sex marathon.
10. I'm gonna pull some Fifty Shades of Grey moves here. I'm about to...Wait, what do they do in that book? They have rough sex and the dude is like, super rich, right? And then they...I dunno. I'm going to be rich at her?
11. Oh, no way. She wants me to choke her. I feel like a murderer. Not like, a sexy Dexter murderer. I just feel like, if the police came in right now, they'd shoot me. I'm losing my erection because I'm thinking about getting shot by the police.
12. Does she just mean like, kind of having my hands near her neck? I feel like anything more than that is just asking for trouble.
13. What's sexier? A full nelson or just a firm hand grip? I've never had to choke anyone in my life, let alone while multitasking.
14. I'm going to settle on "playful" choke. Is that a thing? I feel like it's an oxymoron, but that's how this feels. Playful, yet dangerous.
15. Talking dirty is weird. It gives me the same anxiety that giving a presentation in health class does.
16. I'M CRAMPING AGAIN. I'M GOING DOWN. WHO IS THIS SEX SUPPOSED TO BE ROUGH FOR??
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