A Blow Job Beginner's Guide to Spitting or Swallowing

Warning: This will be pretty graphic. If you somehow accidentally stumbled on this post while searching "17th century English literature" or "how to knit yarn cupcakes DIY pinterest," this is your chance to leave before we start discussing the average miles per hour of fresh ejaculate.

First of all, what position are you in? Is he lying on his back with you sort of hunched over him awkwardly? Or is he standing and are you on your knees? This matters because when he comes, it's not going to be a controlled, leisurely "sip of Arnold Palmer from a pitcher on a sunny day at the races" sort of flow. It's more like the guy's sperm yells, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and charges at your epiglottis. So if you are in a position where you cannot control what goes down your throat, you will start coughing like a Dickensian orphan.

Speaking of which, let's talk about face-fucking real quick, because you can't ask your mom about it and the hypersexual 12-year-olds on Yahoo Answers know nothing. At the risk of being indelicate, face-fucking is where a guy grabs your head and fucks your face like it is your vagina. Or, if you would rather I be more delicate, it's when a gentleman makes love to your mouth while leaving your petticoats down and your hands free to needlepoint. Just be careful that you don't dry-drown on joy juice, is all I'm saying.

Which is great, if you want to do it! But don't feel like you have to, which is a pretty good way to approach literally anything, sexual or otherwise. (Except maybe, like, paying your electric bill.)

There are some things that a lot of men like during blow jays that you might not be so into, because porn. Gagging on a penis, choking on come, watering eyes, general discomfort. Not something most women spend all day looking forward to, but guys like it. Again: There is no need if you don't want to. It's your mouth, after all, unless you happen to be a dude who is somehow sucking his own dick.

But there is one trick from porn that is actually sort of useful to you, if you are on a surface that doesn't need to stay clean. Some adult actresses do this thing where they sort of pretend to swallow but actually sort of dribble all of it out of their mouth rather than having to do so. Gross? Yep. Effective in a pinch? Totally.

You could also avoid getting it in your mouth entirely and, just before he comes, aim it somewhere more convenient, like onto a towel, your tits, or a nutrient-starved flower bed.

But if you are champing it out, you won't have a lot of time to make the spitting vs. swallowing verdict on the spot. Guys will generally warn you when they're about to come ("I'm gonna come.") but it is usually about 0.2 seconds before they do. It is really best if you made the call well beforehand. When Robert Frost wrote the line, "Two roads diverged in a ... wood," he was definitely referring to the decision you have to make when a guy is about to bust a nut in your mouth. Because that poem is about blow jobs.

Spitting requires a tissue or paper towel nearby, not to mention sleight of hand if you are, for some reason, trying to hide the fact that you are spitting it out. Hence why magicians are probably awesome at BJ etiquette. Running right to the bathroom afterward to spit it out can be awkward, and maybe even a little offensive, if you care about him enough for that to matter. (If a guy ran to brush his teeth or spit into the sink right after going down on you, would you be offended?)

Swallowing is your only other option, unless you're the Thomas Edison of post-blow job semen disposal. Swallowing can be weirdly romantic - not to mention hot - if you're really into the guy. You can never really predict what the taste will be like, since it varies from guy to guy and depends on health, diet, etc. In my experience, it generally falls on a scale from "Nothing?" to "Sorta sour but not awful" to "Pennies!" (I know! Pennies! Weird.)

It has 20 calories per teaspoon, if that's a thing that matters to you. It probably shouldn't matter though.

(Fun fact: OG Cosmo girl Helen Gurley Brown preferred facials, according to her memoir I'm Wild Again: "Spread semen over your face, [it's] probably full of protein as sperm can eventually become babies. Makes a fine mask - and he'll be pleased." Daaaaamn, Helen.)

One cardinal rule though. No matter whether you spit it out, swallow it, carbonate it in a Soda Stream, or freeze it into ice cubes - if he won't kiss you afterward, fuck that.

By Anna Breslaw

See the full story on Cosmopolitan.com

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