The 8 Realest Struggles of Summer Sex

Your partner is hot af. You know, literally.

1. Your partner is hot af.

And no, not hot as in sexy; hot as in, "If you touch your body to my body I will throw up and then die." This is how summer sex usually goes: A. Half-heartedly flop your hand onto your partner's genitals to attempt to initiate sex. B. Your hand burns off your body and sears a giant hole in your partner's junk. C. You are both too tired to move and so you just lay there, sizzling in agony instead of ecstasy. (Or something less dramatic, but you get the point.) (The point: don't fucking touch me.)

2. The literal buckets of sweat.

A little sweaty is sexy, but when you're giving off more water than a ride at Raging Waters, you need to evaluate whether or not you should be moving. How about instead of sex, you just take turns holding box fans over each other's bodies and pray for winter?

3. Sex in a pool is the worst thing.

"Oh sweet! We'll cool down and get off by doing it in the pool because we're gross and don't recognize that other people have to swim in this water. Oh wait, that chlorine kinda stings. Oh, hmmm, water isn't a natural lubricant? Oh holy shit that hurts/burns! Oh fuck my foot is caught in the pool drain. OH HI AUNT EDNA WHEN DID YOU GET HERE." And scene!

4. You're the most exhausted.

You know how during the hot, muggy, smelly, stifling dog days of summer you just want to lay in the dark with ice cubes all over your body and quietly sob yourself to sleep? Yeah, you know. Well, doesn't that make you horny? Oh, it doesn't? Heat exhaustion doesn't get your motor running? Weirdo!

5. You think shower sex will be great. You are wrong.

It's awkward and uncomfortable and in the summer the water doesn't get cold enough so you're both strangely sweating in the shower which is the weirdest and worst sensation. The only way I can see this working is if you have a backyard hose that's hooked up to a freezing water supply and you can hose each other down and then have sex on top of a giant ice cube? If you can do that, shower sex might be OK.

6. Sunburn. Ouuuuuch.

Trying to navigate around your (and/or someone else's) sunburn when you're feeling frisky will only end in screaming and tears and maybe some cracked and bleeding skin. Sexier alternative: Douse yourselves in all the aloe, watch Netflix, never touch again.

7. Everything's clammy.

Clammy Balls might be the awesome name of your new band, but it's not something you ever want to touch, smell, or subject your poor, innocent eyes to. What have you eyes ever done to you!

8. Too much laundry!

Because summer sex is especially liquid-y (sorry! That's so visual!), you have to wash your sheets nearly constantly and honestly, the thought of carrying your heavy, hot comforter two blocks to the nearest laundromat is enough to make you celibate.

By Laura Beck

See the full story on Cosmopolitan.com

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

What do you think?

Relationships
Share
19 Things You'll Get If You Always Date F*ckboys
"You seem dangerous and emotionally unavailable. What's the catch?"
Relationships
Share
The 10 Most Stressful Things About Giving a Blow Job
For one, does he have an exit strategy for his orgasm?
Relationships
Share
8 Things Every Woman Should Know About Using Lube
Let's talk about lube, baby.
Relationships
Share
What Happens When You Get Pregnant In Your 20s, 30s, 40s
It does come into play when you're expecting.
Relationships
Share
3 Women Get Super Honest About Deep-Throating
"I practiced on a banana first. Thankfully, the guy was smaller than the banana."
Relationships
Share
10 Guys Share the Weirdest Things They've Ever Done With Their Penis
"I convinced all the girls in my class that penises had muscles in them and could pick things up like an elephant trunk."
Relationships
Share
What to Do When Your Partner Threatens Self-Harm During a Breakup
How to keep yourself — and your partner — safe.
Relationships
Share
6 Things Not to Do When Your Partner Cheats
As good as it might feel, don't try and get even.
Relationships
Share
5 Solo Sex Positions Every Woman Should Try
Table for one, please.
Relationships
Share
How Sex Changes Over the Course of Your Relationship
You have a lot to look forward to.