Though they've garnered a rep for being sex-obsessed, guys can be guarded about sexual issues. "Men are comfortable talking about sex in broad strokes," says Cynthia W. Gentry, co-author of What Men Really Want in Bed. "But many have a very hard time communicating the nuances of their desires because they're afraid of how you will react." But since information is power, we set out to bring you the sexual secrets all guys keep from their girls.
1. He worries about how good he is in bed
"Due to the availability of online porn, men have never felt more pressure to perform," says psychologist and sex therapist Peter S. Kanaris, Ph.D.. Plus, TV shows like Sex and the City have let men in on a dirty little secret: Women talk-sometimes trash-about their partner's sexual skills.
So what is he worried about exactly? "His biggest fears: Is my penis big enough? and Will I be able to get her to orgasm?" says Gentry. But experts add that another surprisingly common one is "Will I be able to orgasm?" To put his mind (but not his penis) at ease, let him know he's pleasing you. Moaning or saying "That feels good" assures him he's hitting his marks. And if you notice he's having a hard time peaking, "assuage his concerns by not making his orgasm the end goal is Gentry's suggestion. "Say, 'Let's take a break, she adds.
2. There's such a thing as a mediocre orgasm for a man
Like women, men have qualitatively different orgasms, which range from okay to... Oh, my God! Off-the-Richter-scale orgasms require a combination of surprise and friction. "Women tend to touch men the same way over and over, so they become somewhat used to that type of stimulation," explains sex coach Danielle Harel, Ph.D.. "Shocking his system with a new type of caress or rhythm allows him to experience a more intense orgasm."
According to sex coach Celeste Hirschman, "elevator" Kegels often do the trick. While he's inside you, squeeze your vaginal muscles starting at the opening and then moving up the walls of your vagina and finally to the top. When you can't tighten any higher, relax. It should take about 10 seconds. "Basic Kegels only exercise the bottom of the vagina," says Hirschman. "These work the upper part, which is where the head of his penis is during sex."
3. Surprise! He needs foreplay
Sometimes your man requires a little warming up...And this is especially true in today's stressful economy. "After a hard day at work, he may have to relax before he can be sexually responsive," says Kanaris. And while touching and kissing gets him revved up, the fact of the matter, Kanaris says, is that "men equate good foreplay with good oral sex".
To help boost his arousal, Hirschman suggests this trick: There are two tubes inside the penis that fill with blood during arousal and a third that always contains blood. Since increased blood flow is what causes orgasm, stimulating these supersensitive tubes with your tongue can send spasms of pleasure through your boyfriend's entire body. Two of the tubes lie along the top of the shaft, and a smaller one lies along the bottom. The tubes come together forming grooves on the underside of his penis. Press your tongue firmly between the grooves, and move it up and down.
Put on the brakes before he reaches the point of no return. "When you notice his arousal peaking-rapid heart rate, heavy breathing, stiffening of his muscles-stop stimulating him until his excitement level drops a bit," suggests Gentry. That's the perfect time to move on to intercourse.
4. No, he doesn't really want a threesome
Yeah, guys think they want two women at a time, but when it comes down to it, it's not usually a fantasy they want to make a reality. For starters, it's a little intimidating. But more substantively, they're afraid it won't live up to their expectations. "Bringing in a third party can be complicated," Gentry explains.
"When a man imagines a threesome, he's totally in control, but in actuality, he's not. In his mind, there's no jealousy or feelings of neglect or rejection, but in real life, there is, and he recognises this." That said, you can play into his fantasy without actually having to play it out. "It's a huge turn-on for a guy if you're open to acting out a threesome verbally," says Gentry. Talk about what he would do to you, what you would do to the other chick, and so on.
5. He kinda hates forced kinkiness
Guys appreciate a woman who's creative and enthusiastic in bed. But a partner who's too aggressive up front can freak them out. In other words, you don't want to throw him down on the bed and whip out the handcuffs right off the bat. "Many men think about sleeping with someone who's as open and sexual as a porn star, but they can be uncomfortable when faced with such a woman," says Hirschman. "They don't want to feel less experienced than their partner."
6. If he suddenly doesn't want to have sex one night, it usually means he's pulling away
"The first three to six months of a relationship is the honeymoon period, when your hormones take over and you can't get enough of each other," notes Gentry. So if in the beginning stage of a romance, he suddenly would prefer to watch Law & Order than hook up, it may mean he's losing interest in you. "Rather than confront you about his feelings, he could be sending you indirect signals," says Gentry.
However, if you've been together for a long time-more than 18 months-and he turns you down out of the blue, pay close attention to how he does it. If he's still affectionate and loving toward you, he is probably just tired or stressed, and has become comfortable enough with the relationship to say no to sex if he just isn't in the mood. However, if he seems aloof and cool, he could be pissed off about something and this is his way of letting you know, he may be subtly trying to put some distance between the two of you, or he could even be having an affair, explains Hirschman.
Whatever the situation, don't give a guy a hard time about not wanting it once. Instead, provide him the space he's subtly asking you for, and only address the situation if you find it's becoming a regular pattern.
7. He's dying for you to touch his butt
A lot of men don't want you fondling their back door, but they love it when you grab their behind during sex. "Gripping his butt lets him know how much you want him," says Gentry. "It's a psychological thrill as much as a physical one."
8. Entering you is one of the biggest sexual rushes for him
It starts out feeling like he's being cocooned in warmth and wetness, and then the pressure and wetness increase as both of you become more aroused. "His genitals fill with tingly electricity, and he can feel your muscular contractions tightening around him," says Kanaris. This blissful feeling is intensified by deep thrusting, so try positions that let him farther inside you, such as woman-on-top or doggie-style.
9. His "boys" are actually tougher than you think
"Women are often so afraid of hurting their partner's testicles that they usually avoid them completely," notes Harel. But his boys are a key part of the pleasure package-they contain a hotbed of nerve endings that, when touched gently (try tickling them with your fingertips while you're going down on him), can make him go, well, nuts.
10. Here's one you're definitely not going to like. He may be thinking of someone else when you're having sex
"Fantasising about another woman is simply a way to bump up the arousal factor because it's somewhat taboo," says Hirschman. "It doesn't mean that he wants you any less, or the other woman anymore than he wants you."
But it does beg the question: Who is on his mind? "Men in relationships tend to think about women who are out of their reach, like models, celebrities, or porn stars," says Hirschman. "Fantasising about women they can't get is safe because being with that person will never be a reality." Guys having casual sex typically fantasise about women who are within their reach, like a coworker, an ex, or even-yikes!-your best friend.
11. He sometimes wants sex to be fast and furious
Usually, a guy is hoping to last as long as possible in order to prolong his pleasure and give you enough time to reach an orgasm. But sometimes, he wants to just do away with all the romantic preludes and just take you into himself-hard and really quick without really trying to make an effort to keep it slow paced. It's a no brainer really that most men enjoy wild animalistic sex.