Exactly what you need to spark the most mind-blowing orgasm he's ever experienced.More
The biggest secret about men's orgasms, I think, is that they reveal how vulnerable we are. That's why they're so sensitive to the environment; slight changes in the wind can turn a 10-gun salute into a popgun. Will, for instance, says he sometimes finds he can't come at all if he's too worried about his job.
The surprise for me in interviewing men for this story was that only one of them said he enjoyed being brought to orgasm through oral sex. That's an avenue I expected would be number one on most men's hit parade. And it is — but only as foreplay.
What's at the bottom of all this, I think, is that we men are really looking for the same things from sex that women are: love, acceptance, and intimacy. The moment of orgasm is when those needs are most exposed, and men — even married men — can get nervous being emotionally naked. When asked what techniques produced his most intense orgasms, Richard fondly recalled lovers who grabbed him by his butt and pulled him tighter toward them, as if they wanted nothing so much as to completely absorb him. Paul, a 35-year-old executive, talked about how his wife sometimes lovingly strokes his face as he comes. "It's about her showing that she really wants me," he says.
Therapists can talk for hours about how to achieve true intimacy, but a good place to start would be in bed tonight. Tell your man how much you love him, and mean it.
Then hold on for dear life.
A good orgasm for a man is the sexual equivalent of a cold beer at the end of the workday: a satisfying reward for a job well done. The job in this case is pleasing you. A major part of the satisfaction men get from sex is the ego boost that results from making our partners go bonkers in bed.
The point is that a lot of men won't allow themselves to savor their own orgasm until they've accomplished that goal. "Performing comes first; my orgasm comes second," says Will, 30, a bank administrator. "There are times when I just want to come, but basically my goal is for my wife to find every sexual encounter totally fulfilling."
Sex therapists will tell you that although this approach is admirable — better that men be too concerned with their partners' orgasms than not at all concerned — it can nonetheless constitute a form of voluntary sensory deprivation. By reining in their passion, many men deprive themselves of the sexual abandon that produces the strongest orgasms. "Sex becomes a battle to make sure she has an orgasm, rather than a mutual sharing of enjoyment," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Washington, DC, and coauthor of Male Sexual Awareness.
The solution? Give your man the night off. Encourage him to focus on enjoying himself without worrying about taking care of you. There are two basic ways to go about this. One is to tell him, as your lovemaking heats up, that you want this one to be all for him, that tonight he should do whatever makes him feel good. The other is to encourage him to lie back passively and let himself be pleasured by you. Sex therapists say this is a better method, because it enables him to concentrate completely on what he's feeling, rather than on what he's doing. The same should go for you when he returns the favor another night: Ideally, both of you will regularly take turns teaching the other delightful lessons in the art of orgasmic appreciation.
One caution: Michael Seiler, Ph.D., a marriage and sex therapist at the Phoenix Institiute in Chicago, says many men find it difficult to let go of control during sex. Don't be surprised, then, if it takes a while before your husband is comfortable turning the reins completely over to you. Be patient, but be firm. He'll learn to love it.