How to Date When You’ve Never Been Single Before

Been out of the dating game for...ever? You’re not alone. But getting on the horse isn’t as daunting as you might believe.

Feb 16, 2020
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Dating in 2020 can be a jumble of awkward first dates, sleazy pick-up lines, and digital love hearts from strangers. For someone who’s only been with their high-school sweetheart, finding themselves suddenly single in the digital age could be a little like, ‘What the what?’

 

Tradition not texting

“I hate dating apps,” Sanya*, 30, laments. She has been single for  a year, and isn’t too keen to get back out there via her data plan.“It’s like a prearranged marriage when you meet them,” she says. “I need a full-on electric shock-sized spark to form a genuine connection.”Sanya, fresh on the scene after 10 years of being out of the game, is very hesitant to date seriously. She married when she was 21, but then found love with another man while in the process of divorcing her husband—they were together for six years. “I think there’s a certain level of expectation [with dating now],” Sanya says. “People go out for a date and you’re giving up a night for them, so at least, [they think] we should hook-up. I feel that’s what the single life for guys is like.”

“Dating is like a job,” says Neha*, 31. “I log onto four dating apps when I get home from work and spend two hours going through them to see who contacted me. If I meet someone face-to-face, and if there isn’t a connection, I think, ‘Here we go again’. I have to start the process over.”  Neha is single. She was with her ex, Karan*, for nine and a half years before it ended and now she’s found herself back on the market. But rather than fear digi-dating, Neha has dived right in. “You can meet some really interesting people,” she says. “When you first join an app, you get heaps of attention. You just have to weed out the bad ones.”

 

The Swipe Scene 

Nancy Jo Sales wrote in Vanity Fair (September 2015) about dating apps and the “dawn of a dating apocalypse”.She describes a new era where there is an emphasis on physical intimacy over chivalry, and a notion that men have hook-ups so available that they are suffering the “debilitating” condition of “fling affluenza”. That is, the over-availability of hook-ups. But according to a study by website Mic.com earlier last year, despite what we may assume, we are still meeting our significant others via our nearest and dearest rather than being set up by Siri. The study found that 40 percent of 18-34-year-olds surveyed met their current partners through their pals. Psychologist Melanie Schilling says, when it comes to forging ahead on the dating scene you just gotta do you. “If you’ve been a bit of a serial monogamist or just haven’t been single for a while...take your time to get to know yourself again, become clear about what you want your next relationship to be like (and not like), and test the waters a little before plunging into the deep end.” There is no right or wrong way—just make sure you’re ready. And don’t worry too much if it takes time to find your groove. “Date smart, and get a clear picture of the relationship you want. Then, get strategic about your approach,” Schilling says. “Have some fun with it. Treat it like a social experiment, and enjoy the ride.”

 

The dating dos and don’ts Take heed of Schilling’s top tips and soon you’ll be on the yellow brick road.

 

do..‘you’ first. Invest in you; you’re at your most attractive when living your best life possible. get your head right Tell yourself, ‘I’m ready for love and I’ve got this’, rather than, ‘I’m such an amateur, how scary!’

#TEAMYOU Surround yourself with positive people who will support and encourage you.

 

doN’T... over-think it Men are straightforward. So take his words at face value. Take risks Dating can put you in vulnerable positions, so let a friend know where you are, and have an escape plan just in case.

 

.....overSHARE. Go slowly, let him prove he’s trustworthy before you open your heart.

 

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