‘Couples who last, have at it’: Arguing in relationships is good, actually—here’s how to do it well
Arguments suck, but bottling it up is worse.
In season two of Netflix’s hit series, BEEF, the new, well, beef at the centre of the story is between two couples: the older and rich-but-actually-kinda-broke Lindsay (Carey Mulligan) and Joshua (Oscar Isaac), who run the local luxury country club, and two of their employees: the younger, poor, and recently-engaged Austin (Charles Melton) and Ashley (Cailee Spaeny).
The premise is set out in episode one, in which Austin and Ashley witness a v intense fight (wine glasses thrown; guitars destroyed; artwork smashed) between Lindsay and Joshua. Later, the former use a video they filmed of the heated argument to blackmail their boss, which, like in season one, then escalates into a prolonged, chaotic feud.
If you’ve started watching — or already binged — the show, you’ll know that relationship arguments are the beating heart of BEEF season two. And, while the ones in this show aren’t ones we’d like to have at home, in the first episode, there is an exchange that’s actually got some wisdom in it.
“You’ve got a good fight coming,” Lindsay tells Austin (Charles Melton), “and when it does come, you two are going to be stronger for it.”
In response, Austin, whose been with Ashley for a year and a half — compared to Lindsay and Joshua, who’ve been together for 15+ years — says: “If I may say this, mam, I don’t think that’s how relationships work.”
“All I’ll say is that all the couples I know that last, they’ve really had at it, you know?” replies Lindsay. “It’s actually the ones that don’t where someone’s usually hiding something.”
Now, there are, obviously, mind games going on here. Lindsay’s doing damage control — trying to convince Austin that what he witnessed was normal, rather than an extreme argument — but she’s also making a good point.
Arguing in any sense is often seen as a negative thing, especially in a relationship. But the reality is that arguing with your partner is pretty much unavoidable (we’re talking verbal arguments here, not wine glass-throwing arguments, which should never happen).
In fact, rather than being something to avoid, arguing can be a really healthy way to communicate how you’re both feeling — much better than, say, bottling it up and letting resentment build. But it’s important to make sure you’re arguing effectively. So, next time one of you, like Lindsay, feels like you’ve wasted the last 15 years with someone who’s spent all of your inheritance and never wants to have sex with you (or, okay, something a little less couples therapy vibes), have this list handy.
How can arguing be a good thing?
Arguing can be a positive part of a relationship, and having arguments doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is a bad one. “We can’t expect couples to be perfectly matched and aligned on every single level. We’re all individuals, so of course there will be instances where we clash and don’t agree,” explains sex and relationship psychotherapist Kate Moyle.
While arguments are natural, they can also be really productive. “Arguments help us communicate what’s important to each other, see each other’s perspectives, and understand each other differently,” Moyle adds. So if you are arguing, see it as a chance to improve your relationship.
However, if you do feel your relationship is toxic, unhealthy, or abusive, then you should seek help. You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 at a time that is safe.
Is never arguing unhealthy?
Bottling up your feelings isn’t good in any situation, and staying quiet can actually make things worse. As Moyle explains: “If we never express ourselves fully to our partners, we can hold onto feelings of resentment or irritation, and this can be more damaging for a relationship.”
Holding back on being honest with your partner also means you’re missing out on being vulnerable with them, which is important for strengthening your bond as a couple. Plus, it’s likely that your problems will build up and come to a head in an even bigger argument, says Moyle.
How to argue better
1. Keep it logical
Try not to let your emotions take over the logic of the situation. “When we’re arguing, the area of the brain called the amygdala is activated, which causes an increase in stress hormones and makes our reactions more emotional rather than logical — and this can interfere with our ability to communicate clearly,” Moyle explains.
So, if you can, try to stay focused on what’s happened; that way, your communication won’t be overridden by feeling angry or upset.
2. Use ‘I’ statements
Avoid wholly placing the blame on the other person, as this antagonises them rather than creating a situation where you’re working together to solve an issue. “Starting statements with ‘you’ places direct blame on your partner’s behaviour, whereas saying ‘I’ takes that away and puts the emphasis on how you feel about it,” says Moyle.
3. Don’t bring up the past
Keep the argument to one current topic, rather than drawing up past events. “Bringing up the past can get you stuck in a tennis match of, ‘You did this, I did that’,” Moyle explains. “But doing this will stop you from getting anywhere.”
4. Listen and clarify what you don’t understand
“One of the biggest problems with conflict is misunderstanding,” says Moyle, so make sure you’re 100% on what your partner means. You can do this by asking questions like, ‘Can I check that this is what you meant?’ or, ‘This is what I understood from that’. Making assumptions will only make an argument worse, so clarify and check things you’re unsure about.
5. Make requests rather than complaints
Try not to bring up problems without actually offering a solution. “Request that your partner tries to do things differently in future, rather than focusing on what happened in the past,” Moyle suggests. “This gives you both the power to change what happens next.”
6. Take time out
It might be helpful to step away from an argument, calm down, and come back to it. Moyle recommends setting a 20-minute timer, as it stops the argument from dragging on.
7. Decide what is worth an argument
While arguing can be productive, you need to recognise which things you should let slide. “In relationships, we will always do things that annoy each other,“ explains Moyle, “so let the small things go, like never putting socks in the laundry basket or not clearing coffee cups.”
Instead, Moyle suggests giving each other ‘no-go areas’ — small things that you let the other person off for.
How to make up after an argument
Listen to your partner’s side of the story and empathise with them. Phrase this by saying: ‘I can see how you felt like that’ or, ‘I can see how it must have been like that from your side’, suggests Moyle. If there’s something that you know triggers an argument, like feeling criticised, tell your partner so you can avoid it in future. However, some things you might need to agree to disagree on.
Credit: Cosmopolitan