The science behind the “bird theory”

shouldn’t get the secondhand anxiety that I do from the videos. But every time an expectant girlfriend inconspicuously positions her phone camera to capture how she’ll tell her partner that she spotted a bird, I hold my breath in anticipation of the moment of truth. Because the reaction to this seemingly inconsequential comment, otherwise known as the bird theory, has become the ultimate test of a partner’s consideration and a relationship’s likelihood of success. Originated by psychologist John Gottman in the 1990s, the bird theory proposes that how a partner responds (or fails to respond) to subtle attempts to connect (ex., sharing an observation about a bird) reveals much about the overall trust and communication within a relationship. These ostensibly minor comments are classified as “bids for connection.” They’re opportunities for couples to notice the small things that excite each other, and potentially reciprocate with appreciation and affirmation. And before you cast this off as a baseless viral trend, know that research supports this theory’s validity. According to a Gottman Institute study of newlyweds, couples who remained married after six years acknowledged their partners’ bids 86% of the time, while those who split before the six-year mark responded only 33% of the time. This content is imported from tiktok. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. In the bird theory’s case, if the test subject brushes off the bird comment or treats it like an unnecessary quip, the response could signal deeper communication problems and issues with reciprocated attention. The bird theory has gone through waves of popularity as a filmed relationship “test” on social media, but none more inescapable than its recent resurgence over the past couple of weeks. The trend manages to feed social media users' voyeuristic desires. For better or worse, comment section warriors can weigh in on a couple’s relationship health and share their “dump him now!!!!” takes after knowing them for no more than 30 seconds. When small bids for connection are met with eye-rolls, sarcasm, or sharp criticism, it’s not a harmless quirk,” Audra warns. “It’s a sign something deeper needs care. But trust that even the healthiest couples can let a bid for connection go ignored now and again. So is it fair to treat the bird theory as a foolproof relationship test and react so strongly to isolated clips of couples who “fail” it? Yes and no, says Audra Nuru, an interpersonal and family communication expert. “No single missed moment means a relationship is doomed. A relationship’s health isn’t measured by passing or failing a viral test. It’s built through repeated, responsive attention. No relationship gets every ‘bird’ moment right.” This content is imported from tiktok. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site. While there’s no need to spiral if your partner lets your bird comment pass unacknowledged, really consider whether you’ve caught them during a distracted moment or if their response reflects a larger pattern. According to another Gottman study, red flags should go up if your partner doesn’t just ignore your bird observation but responds with hostility. “When small bids for connection are met with eye-rolls, sarcasm, or sharp criticism, it’s not a harmless quirk,” Audra warns. “It’s a sign something deeper needs care.” The big bird question can really offer you and your partner a chance to reflect on your relationship and even grow from it, so it’s worth trying. But is it worth posting about? Given what it can reveal about a bond, the moment this theory’s tested becomes quite intimate, and it might not always be in your relationship’s best interest to share it publicly. “Make sure that both parties are okay with the video being posted; otherwise, it could feel like a violation of trust,” clinical psychologist Kimberly Leonte advises. “Subsequently, [ask yourself] the question, ‘Is sharing the video to get feedback from others regarding the healthiness of your relationship, a helpful thing to do?’” Sometimes the answer is actually yes. While social media can absolutely be a hellscape filled with uninformed opinions and a widespread allergy to nuance, it can also provide genuine insight. “For those who may be in an unhealthy situation and not realize it, maybe seeing other people’s videos and seeing partners engage in a way that their own doesn’t, could be eye-opening,” shares Madeleine Phelan, an NYC-based psychotherapist. “It could help them realize they deserve someone who can and does respond to their bids for connection.” So do take the bird theory seriously—there’s truth to the idea that paying attention to the little things in a relationship matters. But don’t let its outcome consume you. And if you choose to make it a spectacle, make sure you’re not blindsiding your partner with a viral post exposing your relationship dynamic to the world. Because, as anyone who’s been sucked into a stream of these videos knows, it's some truly riveting content.

The science behind the “bird theory”

A quick bird comment has become social media’s latest “Does your boyfriend hate you?” test. But here’s everything you should know and consider before trying out the experiment.

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