Confessions of a Serial Cheater

I never thought I'd be a cheater. Never. But I've been married twice and cheated on both spouses. I'm not proud of it, though I've always owned up to it. It starts with an emotional affair, usually by meeting someone who really sparks my interest in a way no one else has. But the fact that I even have my eyes open to this interest is a result of an unmet emotional or sexual needs in my core relationship. This is why I cheat.

I got married for the first time at 23, which for me was way too young, but all my other friends were married and I was with a good guy who made me laugh. I had always heard that you should marry your best friend, so I did. It was a huge mistake. I missed the part about how you should also be in love with that person and have more than just a passing sexual attraction for them.

[pullquote align="C"]"It starts with an emotional affair, usually by meeting someone who really sparks my interest in a way no one else has."[/pullquote]​

The first time I cheated I fell in love with someone else. My marriage was not at all what I thought it would be—what is a "wife" anyway?—and I was over the whole thing by the first anniversary. Our divorce was final a year later. He wasn't at fault and didn't do anything wrong, I just knew he wasn't the right person for me. There was zero sexual chemistry and I wasn't in love with him. When I met the other man, I immediately knew that my feelings for him were what I should have been feeling in my marriage. We waited until I was divorced to have sex, but the emotional affair began almost as soon as we met.

I married that man at 27, and more than a decade later, we're separated for the second time.

I've cheated on him several times, separated for a few months and tried out other relationships, got back together and was "good" for a while, only to end up cheating again. In this case, everything about our relationship was amazing—we communicated well, loved and supported each other, were best friends, and had each other's back. But the sexual relationship died years ago. It was limping along when we got married and died a slow death over time. Our sexual appetites were very different. He's fine with twice a year. I'm more of a twice-a-week girl. We've talked about it, f*cked about it, gotten counseling about it, and nothing changed for more than a few weeks at a time. There was rejection after rejection, nights of crying myself to sleep, depression, and straight up giving up on it. And this was when I was being "good".

[pullquote align="C"]"I had always heard that you should marry your best friend, so I did. It was a huge mistake."[/pullquote]​

I stayed for so long because the other parts were so good. I still love him, and that will never change. But my needs were excused, avoided, and viewed as weird and out of the realm of possibility. Yes, I want to have sex on the regular. A little role play is nice. Spanking is awesome! Being ravished and taken is amazing! Now tell me how you're never going to do any of those things and hope I stick around anyway. What's a girl to do?

I don't want sex with just anyone, though. I tried the random hook-up dating sites and was horribly disappointed. I want a real, intimate relationship where the sex is amazing. I'm not going to get that intimacy with some jerk texting "hey gurl, u up?" I'll pass, thanks.

Now I know that if I'm having cheating thoughts something isn't right in my relationship. I can choose to bring it up with my significant other, get counseling and work on it, or I can pursue my interests and see what happens. Sometimes being a mature adult who tries counseling works. Sometimes it doesn't—especially if your needs are still not being met. The choice made in that situation changes everything about how you feel about yourself, your relationship, what you're willing to do, and what you see for the future. It is not for the faint of heart.