This Is Why The Men In Ancient Statues All Have Tiny Penises

Have you ever been doing the rounds of a museum, taking in the sights, soaking up the culture, and suddenly been struck by how unthinkably tiny the men's penises are in all the statues?

I tell you what, you're not the only one if you've looked at these statues and wondered why the dudes in them were so damn keen to get their kit off and get clayed up. Because there's not much to shout about down there, if you know what I mean.

But thankfully somebody has answered this ongoing question: why do they all have such small dicks? Was it a case of generally being much colder back then? Because we all know what happens to a chilly penis. Or were we mistaking these guys for adults when really they were pre-pubescent kids?

Ever on the frontline of investigative journalism, we bring you the answers.

We've actually got art historian Ellen Oredsson to thank for the answer to this one, after she spent a large chunk of her professional time explaining exactly what's caused this small-endowment epidemic.

After a reader sent in the question to her blog, How To Talk About Art History, Ellen decided to answer it head on. You can ignore that pun.

It's all to do with the cultural values, apparently. So just as in today's world, "big penises are seen as valuable and manly," things were completely different back then. "Most evidence points to the fact that small penises were considered better than big ones," writes Oredsson.

"One of the reasons historians, such as Kenneth Dover in his landmark book Greek Homosexuality, have suggested that small penises were more culturally valued is that large penises were associated with very specific characteristics: foolishness, lust and ugliness," she adds. So bad luck if your boyfriend's got a whopper; he wouldn't have been such a catch back in Ancient Greek times.

The art historian does also jump to the statues' defence, noting that "they're flaccid. If you compare their size to most flaccid male penises, they are actually not significantly smaller than real-life penises tend to be." Alright, alright. We're just used to a bit of erection action round here.

"The ideal Greek man was rational, intellectual and authoritative," explains Oredsson. "He may still have had a lot of sex, but this was unrelated to his penis size, and his small penis allowed him to remain coolly logical."

So there you have it. Big dicks didn't mean big shots back in the day, so small-penised men around the world can now breathe a big sigh of relief and go hang out in museums where they'll be in good company.