Why Can't We Take a Compliment?

Picture this. Guy A tells Guy B: “Dude, kick-ass presentation”. Dude B: “Thanks, bro. It was pretty cool, right?” End scene. Between two women, it’s a different, more complicated story. For most of us, accepting kudos is akin to swallowing a goldfish—we just can’t do it. Take the popular Inside Amy Schumer sketch ‘Compliments’ (just YouTube it!). In it, a group of women reject each other’s kind words with increasing hilarity (“Look at your cute little dress!” “Little? I’m like a Size 100 now.”) When one responds with a simple “Thank you!” it so upsets their universe, that they lose their sh*t and turn homicidal. One woman even lights herself on fire. We all get it: rejecting compliments is ridiculous (and funny!), and yet we can’t seem to help ourselves.

But our complicated relationship with praise isn’t biological. It isn’t linked to our vaginas or menstrual cycles. No, it’s a habit we pick up in school. “As girls, we learn we’re supposed to stick together,” says Carol Gilligan, Ph.D., author of In A Different Voice: Psychological Theory And Women’s Development. “You pay a price when you stand out.” There’s a sense of safety in being average—it makes you a part of the pack. Get a compliment and suddenly you’re on a pedestal—it separates you from other girls and threatens the social dynamic. Verbally accept the compliment?

Well, Miss Thang, you must think you’re worthy of such placement. (Remember in Mean Girls when Regina George tells Cady Heron that she’s pretty? Exactly.) By attacking praise and neutralising it, we show humility and, most important, solidarity with the group. After a while, our polite self-loathing becomes so deeply ingrained, that our response becomes automatic. “We know how our conversations are meant to go,” Gilligan says. “You’re supposed to say, ‘My hair looks awful today’, then the other person is supposed to say, ‘No, your hair is great’. It’s a scripted conversation.” And, quite frankly, it’s effing boring.

Acknowledging things about yourself that are positive doesn’t mean you’re stuck up. Just think of how many major issues we can address when we stop wasting our time deflecting kind words. The next time someone pays you a compliment, challenge yourself to give a heartfelt thank-you and move on. Sure, being self-assured may be a little scary at first. But we promise, no one will catch fire.

So you got a compliment. Here’s how to deal:

1. Say thank you—it doesn’t mean you have a Kanye-size ego. Other options include, but are not limited to, thanks, gracias, thx, and TY.

2. If the praise applies to a joint effort, mention the other people involved. Example: ‘The new site looks great!’ ‘Thanks. Ekta did a great job with the design.’

3. Avoid volleying back with another compliment. Example: ‘I love your outfit.’ ‘Thank you, but OMG, can we talk about how amazing you look today?’

4. Don’t downplay yourself or your efforts with any of the following: ‘It’s nothing/not a big deal.’ ‘You’ve got to be kidding.’ ‘Are you crazy? I look like a pirate hooker.’