17 Problems Only Girls Who Sweat a Ridiculous Amount Will Understand

1.  Arriving everywhere 15 minutes early so you can stop sweating. "Oh, don't mind me; I'm just staring at this very interesting elevator bank and praying for the water to stop cascading down my face."

2. Sometimes bringing a change of clothes. ​If you're going somewhere even remotely warm or you'll be doing any kind of movement whatsoever, you need to make sure you're covered. You're a Girl Scout when it comes to your sweat glands: Always Be Prepared. 

3. Hoping you look like this:

Knowing this is what you actually look like:

4. Avoiding places without A.C. The Sweaty Person's Creed is: "Ain't no fun (for me to shop at your place of business), if my sweat glands can't get none (of that sweet air conditioning)."

5. Not really needing a coat, ever. And therefore never getting to look adorable in a coat. This is when it stops becoming a "me" problem and starts becoming a "we" problem, because the world needs to see me in those new Marc Jacobs winter coats. 

6. You're a natural heater for your bedtime companion. My husband likes to joke about his heat bill becoming nonexistent since we moved in together. It's not so much a joke as a truth that's not that funny, but you know.

7. Makeup is a problem. Finding an amazing mascara that is also waterproof is more difficult than finding Waldo at a striped-shirt convention. And forget layering foundation with bronzer with luminescent cream because all that stuff sweats off before you even make it to the office. 

8. Hating everyone staring at you, or worse, trying to help. No, I don't need ice water or a washcloth. What I need is for you to do is pretend like Niagra Falls hasn't miraculously migrated to my forehead. 

9. Hairstyles are a problem. When your scalp acts like a natural sprinkler system for your face, it's best not to get too attached to what's going on with your hair. Also, you must carry at least 15 rubber bands with you because you never know when the sweats might get extra sweaty and you'll need to put your hair up STAT.

10. Public speaking is even more terrifying than usual. Because not only are you worried about the words that are coming out of your mouth, you're terrified of the sweat dripping off of your face. You want people to remember your speech and not the fact that you looked like you were about to perish from cholera at the podium. 

11. You worry that your sweaty butt crack will leave an imprint on plastic chairs. Sorry to get so real, but we're all friends here. Friends who talk about their friend's swamp ass. 

12. Bras are a problem. Actually, everything having to do with breasts is a problem, because they're large and round and trap sweat against your skin like a piping hot chest cauldron. 

13. Exercising in front of other people is not an option. You prefer to do your Jillian Michaels videos under the cover of total darkness (with five fans blasting you from all angles). 

14. Pictures must happen at the beginning of an evening. Before your sweat has totally ruined your ~SeXy~ look. 

15. Panicked wiping of your face on various surfaces. If you are, for some awful reason, caught without a napkin or paper towel, and in a situation where you need to talk to someone important, you have been known to wipe your sweaty face across any available surface. Nothing with a vague cloth-like surface is safe from your overactive glands!

16. Yes, you've tried all the creams, potions, lotions, and doctor-prescribed remedies. Some kinda help, but most are useless. What can you say? You're just a sweaty, sweaty, hot-blooded beast of a lady. (You've also considered getting botox on your face and scalp to prevent the water waste. California is in a major drought and you're trying to do your part, but there's something about injecting botulism​ into your beautiful, moist [sorry] mug that's more than a little terrifying.)

17. Your skin is glowing. True, sometimes it can mean zits, but often if you regularly wash, exfoliate, and moisturize your face, your skin is banging. You've had other women stop you in the streets to ask your regime and you just tell them, "Sorry, I woke up (early, covered in sweat) like this."

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