1. You're so cute (or adorable). While cute and adorable are fine compliments to give, it can be frustrating to always be grouped in the same category as puppies or kittens or babies. Sometimes I would like to be treated as the sexy, hot, beautiful boss lady I am. Look at thesaurus for other adjectives, and then get back to me.
2. You should cherish being ID'd. I wish people still checked my ID. While I understand it's a person's job to make sure I'm of age, it's a bit of an overkill to stare at my license for more than 10 seconds unless you're just really bad at math. But the suspicious looks I get tell me otherwise. I would love just once if someone actually believed that I'm an adult lady, so no, I will certainly not cherish it, thanks.
3. How old are you turning? Seventeen? This one is all about tone. Some jerk literally asked me this while I was out celebrating my TWENTY-SECOND birthday with so much attitude. It's OK to ask me how old I'm turning, but the added "17" comment at the end is so unnecessary and rude. If you're going to guess my age, just keep it to yourself, and if you absolutely have to ask, don't be a dick about it.
4. You're not going to have any wrinkles when you're older! And I'll be very happy about that too when I'm a fresh-faced 80-year-old looking fly as hell, but right now, I don't need a reminder that the passage of time is fleeting and inevitable. It's really a downer.
5. I'm just gonna call you "baby face." A bouncer said this to me, and then, true to his word, proceeded to call me "baby face" the rest of the night. And I know he knew my actual name because it was on my license he stared at for 10 seconds (see no. 2). I really admire his commitment, but please don't be that person — call me by my name and not this demeaning nickname you think is so original.
6. You look so young! In other news, the sky is blue! Water is wet! The sun is hot! I know I look young. You pointing it out isn't giving me any new information, so if you say this to me, I'll probably think less of you as a person. Also, if you think it's acceptable to tell me I look like I'm 16, then I'll feel free to tell you how old you look. Trust me, I am very aware of the fact I could pass for a high schooler à la Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. Minus the incredible wardrobe.
A highschooler asked for my number today if that's any indication of the type of people I attract — Lauren Adhav (@addhave) March 27, 2014
7. Are your parents home?/Can I talk to your parents? Someone rings the doorbell at your apartment. You open the door and find your elderly neighbors/someone trying to fundraise for their local high school, and one glance at your baby face always leads to this question. People always say this so sweetly when they're really suggesting you're completely incapable of speaking to another person without grown-ups supervising. Unless you actually need to discuss something with my parents, I'm pretty sure I can handle a conversation.
8. Are you old enough to work here? No, I'm just standing at the cash register because I feel like it. If I had to fill out all that paperwork and go through a background check for my employer, and I'm standing in front of you with a name tag on, you best know that I am fully qualified and of the right age to ask, "Did you find everything OK?" and ring up your shit. You should be less concerned about my age and more concerned about your own life.
9. You curse too much. Cursing is a main part of my vocabulary (although I'm working on incorporating better descriptive words), but I let one F-bomb slip and suddenly people look at me like I just admitted to murder. If a non-baby-faced person lets loose a curse word, everyone accepts it and moves on, but for some reason, everyone makes a huge stink about any vulgar four-letter word coming from someone who looks like they still need a baby sitter. I'm not going to change my speaking habits to make you more comfortable.
10. Can I pinch your cheeks? This might be OK if I were your 4-year-old baby cousin Charlotte who drools and still speaks nonsensical gibberish, but alas, I am not. My chubby cheeks (and round face in general) are not an open invitation for your fingers to pinch them, and it's really a condescending gesture. Sure, taxes and health insurance might confuse me a little, but technically I am an adult and would like to be treated as such. I'm already self-conscious enough about my hamster-like cheek pouches, and so the answer to this question is always "Hell NO."
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