Why Can't I Get Over My Ex?

"I feel like I'm doing everything right."

21 March, 2018
Why Can't I Get Over My Ex?

My ex-boyfriend and I dated on and off for about three years, but he broke it off this summer for good. It's been six months since we've had any contact at all — no texts or calls, no interactions in person — but I still love him just as much as I did when we were together, and I've been absolutely heartbroken and miserable every day since we broke up. I've kept busy, spent time with friends, focused on my own hobbies, deleted him on all social media, and even started seeing other guys, but I can't take an interest in anyone else and I don't feel like I've made any progress in getting over my ex at all. I know everyone says it doesn't happen overnight, but it's been 180 days and I still cry about it every day. I feel like I'm doing everything right; why aren't I feeling any better?

When people say "it just takes time," there's a reason why they don't say how much time. That reason is: Nobody knows.

I wish there were an equation that could spit out an exact answer for you. Something like: Total months of sorrow = L (length of relationship) divided by π (or 0.5π if you lived together or were married), minus one hour for each healthy hour spent on self-care (the variables you mention, like time spent with friends, hobbies, etc.). But that's bad math: Broken hearts aren't medical injuries that take a typical number of months to heal. There's no correct or healthy amount of time. Every person is an unsolvable variable.

So please, don't worry about whether or not you're "doing everything right." This isn't a math test that can be checked. Don't beat yourself up either. Sometimes, you can stress yourself out even more by worrying that you're not grieving or processing things in the "right way," whatever that may be. Think about all of your friends, and all of the different ways they've muddled through bad situations. I bet there's not one formula.

It sounds like you're taking care of yourself and, while you say you feel like you haven't made "any progress in getting over my ex," I respectfully doubt that's true. Ask your friends if you seem better or worse now than you did the week before or after the breakup. I bet they'll calculate that your emotional health now is not equal to or less than what it was when the breakup was raw.

My husband is so cheap! It is driving me insane and I don't know what to do. We have been together for three years — we jive on just about everything, and seem to always have a way to meet eye-to-eye or compromise with every other difficulty in our relationship ... except the handling of money. Right now, I'm the only one with a job. He's European and waiting on his work visa after we married here in the States, so I pay just about everything, and I do so gladly. Even though it is my money, I feel like we are a team, and I don't mind covering the expenses until he can land a job.

But he's now become the money gatekeeper and is always quick to deem that everything is too expensive. If we ever want to go out and do something fun, it has to be done with coupons. He even felt strongly that we shouldn't "waste money" on a Christmas tree, even when I told him that celebrating holidays is extremely important to me. It feels doubly weird because all of the money we have is because of me, and I feel like I can't even use it without his "OK." I understand that we are a team, and I really don't mind splitting our/my income, but how can I tell him that I'm not OK with his cheap mind-set? I don't want to come off as "this is my money" either. Help!

I appreciate that you're trying to create an equitable partnership in your marriage, but this isn't equal in two very obvious ways: First, you're making all the money. Second, he's making all the decisions.

Unless you've got a gambling or drug problem, one spouse should not be the financial gatekeeper, ever. That's not fair. It also sets a dangerous precedent.

If your husband is controlling your relationship financially, even when he's not contributing any money himself, how do you think he will act once/if he starts bringing in his share of the budget? I know you don't want to be blunt about this and point out that you're the moneymaker—but if Mr. Scrooge won't spare tuppence for a Christmas tree now, then I'm afraid of the Grinch he may reveal himself to be.

Right now, I think you need to have a blunt, serious talk about money — and don't wait for a specific fight over the cost of a pizza or Christmas tree triggers it. You don't want to appear petty or suggest that this is a small issue about a specific expense. Tell him, "Now that we're married, I think we should have a clear conversation about how we're going to handle our finances going forward."

Be positive and focus on both your long-term goals (a home, a car, retirement, etc.) and your short-term expectations (dinners, dates, health care, clothes, vacations, etc.). Be clear about the fact that you have different expectations. Tell him that you've grown frustrated that he's controlling the funds without taking your concerns seriously. He needs to understand that you aren't simply going to get with his financial program because you have different needs.

Then work toward a practical solution. For a lot of couples, a simple practical hack can be carving a little personal budget into your shared marital budget. Many couples combine their finances but also set aside a monthly sum each month that each of you can spend in any way you'd like. This doesn't have to be equal — and, since you're earning all the money, it would be fair to carve out money for yourself until he starts earning. (Perhaps use a personal credit card for these expenses, so your spouse isn't auditing your receipts.) The advantage of a monthly budget is that it allows you to spend money, within reason — but you don't have to argue over every item on a credit card bill, or ask for your spouse to co-sign every coffee shop receipt.

Whatever you do, handle this problem now. Like credit card debt, some problems grow larger the longer you ignore them.

I am dating a guy that is obsessed with having his penis, balls, and anus sucked and licked. He is constantly bugging me to give him blow jobs, to the point where he actually stops in the middle of sex (often when I am close to orgasm) and wants me to do it. He will even wake me up in the middle of the night and ask if I will give him oral sex. I have never had a boyfriend before who was this persistent. I enjoy going down on him and giving him pleasure, but when he constantly bugs me for it, and actually interrupts sex to see if I'll do it, I stop wanting to do it. I am starting to get really tired of it and very annoyed. Is this normal?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Don't worry about what's normal. Once you're in bed, in the privacy of your own home, it doesn't matter what the average American couple is doing in the average American bedroom. All that matters is that you two find a way to enjoy each other. And you sound like you're not having a good time.

It sounds like you're avoiding the obvious conversation here, which is telling him what you just wrote me: that you enjoy going down on him and giving him pleasure, but lately it's been a little much, and it's particularly frustrating when you're about to get off and he interrupts your rhythm. It's completely fine for you to tell him what you want more of, what you want less of, and what you never want at all. He should understand that there are limits to any sex life.

Set some expectations by talking about this clearly. Tell him, "Honey, I love how turned on you get and how much you love it when I go down on you, but sometimes it's just a bit much." If you don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night and bugged for oral sex, then tell him that's not sexy to you, and just really not cool. Tell him that sometimes, he interrupts your orgasm to satisfy himself — and tell him that you've been shy about saying so in the moment, but in the future, you'll let him know when he needs to wait just a bit before you take care of him. He won't know that it's too much unless you tell him so.

Follow Logan on Twitter.

Credit: Cosmopolitan
Comment