Be THAT Girl!

There’s always that one woman at a party who has all eyes on her—she’s walking the walk, talking the talk, and basically being totally fabulous. We all want to be exactly like her. The person who can walk into a room full of complete strangers and walk out with plans for brunch next week with a set of people she just met.

How does she do it? Most people tend to forget that confidence is an acquired skill. It’s not as easy as ‘you either got it or you don’t’. There are days when a woman who looks like she could turn a yawn-worthy business seminar into your regular rock concert loses faith in her awesomeness. But just like basketball or yoga, it’s all about practice. And with practice, you could be perfect at this as well.

Somehow, it comes automatically. We think confidence, we think: Beyoncé. The woman is the ultimate bastion of the ‘love who you are’ philosophy, and it even helped Adele kick a*s at one of her concerts! “I just asked myself, ‘What would [Beyoncé’s alter ego] Sasha Fierce do?’ That’s when Sasha Carter was born.” (The Carter part she gets from her love for late country singer June Carter).

Rule no. 1

You're not the focus

“Talking about yourself too much and too early can be a major turn-off for the other party in conversation,” says Mark Tyrell, therapist, trainer and co-founder of self-help website uncommonhelp.com. “Good initial small-talk is often characterised by discussion of subjects not personal to either party, or by an exchanging of personal views in a balanced way. Immediately describing your deepest desires and darkest fears to a stranger may freak them out.”

It’s like the wise Maya Angelou said, “At the end of the day, people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.” The trick is to make them feel amazing—and you’ll feel amazing. Really listen to (and care about) what they’re saying, keep asking questions so they know you’re paying attention and make the conversation more about them than you—and that means not keeping an eye on the door to see who else just walked into the party.

Rule no. 2

Work your body

In all the texting and technology, we forget that our body ends up speaking volumes. That’s why body language is the key. As Leil Lowndes, the author of How To Talk To Anyone advocates, you can capture—and hold—anyone’s attention without even saying a word. A major part of holding that attention is being able to flash a genuine smile. A warm Duchenne smile (named after the guy who figured out which muscles we use when we actually smile) is what will make sure you make an impression within the first few seconds of meeting someone. 

“Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone,” says Lowndes, and recommends instead that you first look at the person’s face for a second, and then let a “big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes.” According to Lowndes, the delay is so little, but that slower smile makes people perceive you with more richness and depth. Now that you’ve got the smile part down, let’s discuss eyes. Learning to master the art of eye contact goes a long way. “Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner’s, with sticky, warm taffy,” says Lowndes. The key is not to break that eye contact even when the other is done speaking. “When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks,” she adds. This is a technique that automatically gives you an air of intelligence and insight. However, if eye contact makes you feel awkward, don’t push it. And if you can see it’s making them awkward, it’s okay (and probably a good thing) to look away.

Rule no. 3

Suit Up

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s...just some guy in a suit. That’d be Superman, sans his cape—just another ordinary guy. But slap on a cape and damn, could he fly! “When wearing a Superman T-shirt, the students rated themselves as more likeable and superior to other students,” says Karen Pine in a release from the University of Hertfordshire. But there’s more to this study: “When asked to estimate how much they could physically lift, those in a Superman T-shirt thought they were stronger than students in a plain T-shirt, or in their own clothing.”

According to Pine’s study, you don’t just wear what you’re feeling; you become what you’re wearing. Almost everything in your cupboard could affect your mood on a day-to-day basis. Everybody’s got that little somethin’—a bag, a great pair of shoes, a liner that dramatically plays up our eyes—that can kick-start our mojo and turn us into that totally fabulous version of ourself.

Rhea, 23, a Mumbai-based brand consultant, lives by this philosophy. “Even if I don’t feel up to it, I attend events where I have to look the part.
I have a particular shade of lipstick (bright red) that’ll coast me through anything with confidence—I have one in my bag at all times.”