India Today Conclave
India Today Conclave

How to Talk About Sex Without Dying of Awkwardness

Sure, we dish about it with our friends. But when it comes to discussing sex with our actual sex partners, most of us...don’t. What’s up? 

26 July, 2018
How to Talk About Sex Without Dying of Awkwardness

The first time Alisha, 30, a screenwriter from Mumbai, had an orgasm with her boyfriend, it was by accident. “It just happened. I hadn’t told him what to do,” she says. Until then, Alisha, like many women in the early stages of their sexual history, didn’t care enough about her satisfaction to risk the awkwardness of talking about sex with her partner. But the orgasm changed everything: she’d had it, she’d liked it, and now she wanted to replicate it. “I would get crazy enthusiastic when I got close,” she recalls. “Yes! Keep doing that!” But rather than give him direction, Alisha would wait for him to start doing...whatever he’d decided to and hope she’d climax again.

Because for Alisha, and women everywhere, talking about sex, even with a trusted sexual partner, is tough. We watch movies about sex, listen to musicians sing about it, and gossip with our friends about it over brunch—we’re obsessed! And yet, there’s one place where we’re surprisingly silent on the issue: the bedroom. Most of us know communicating about sex is key to sexual satisfaction. It’s a feedback loop: you tell your partner what you like, he or she does that, and you have sex you like. But shockingly, the average adult knows only 26 percent of their partner’s sexual dislikes, and we aren’t much more informed about what they do like, according to research by Sandra Byers, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of New Brunswick. “There’s a very prevalent myth that if our partners love us or understand us, they should be able to read our minds and know exactly what we’re like in bed,” explains Byers. The truth is, just because they figure it out once, doesn’t mean they have your O on lock. “Even if your partner understands you very well, they still can’t know what you want at this moment. Telling someone they rock your world but could they please try more of X and not Y and maybe softer/a little higher/with less saliva can be awkward AF, especially when a fragile ego is involved. But the benefits so outweigh the costs. Take Shambhavi, 29, a writer and graduate student from New Delhi. Her first relationship was in college, and the sex was just okay, although she never spoke up. “I was scared,” she remembers. So, she resigned herself to a routine that was totally meh, and put up with it for years.

By the time power to make sex more enjoyable for me.” And Shambhavi’s boyfriend was more than up for a little tutoring. “Making it good for me turns him on! That blew my mind.” Communicating your sexual likes and dislikes is just as important if you’re single. Eventually, Alisha, of the elusive orgasm, got fed up with her lackluster sex life. Step one was learning how to get herself off. Step two was relaying that knowledge to her partners. “Now I can confidently say, ‘This works, this doesn’t work all the time, and this doesn’t work at all’.” That long-awaited orgasm? Achieved (and not just with one guy). Take Aarti, 25, a copywriter in Bengaluru, who once suggested to her BF that they watch porn because it turned her on. He replied with a critical “Um, why? Don’t I get you excited?” Intimidated by his hostile tone, Aarti ended the conversation. It’s annoying when talking about sex doesn’t go as planned—but if a guy can’t handle talking about a relationship matter as important as sex, he’s probably not great at communicating about other crucial things. “For me, hostility is huge, and so is being receptive when your partner is vulnerable enough to ask for something like this,” Aarti says. “That’s one of the reasons he became an ex.” Mihika, 29, from Pune says the sex convos she has with her boyfriend are an integral part of what makes their relationship work. “Once we talked openly, it came out that both of us wished we were having more—and wilder—sex,” she says. “Now, it’s a relief to feel I can ask for what I want and say what’s on my mind.”

So When Should You Bring Up Sex With A Partner? 

If you're dating someone new (whether it’s casual sex or with long-term prospects), a good time to start talking about sex is, oh, probably around the first time you have it...and then the next time...and the time after that. It doesn’t have to be a big discussion, but filling each other in on what you are and aren’t into sets you up for a satisfying sex life in which it’s not a big deal to bring up an issue down the line. When should you bring up sex w ith a partner? if you ’re in a relationship relationship relationship , it can seem a bit more stressful, since you don’t want your partner to think they’ve been getting it wrong this whole time. Ease into the convo: start by talking about ‘talking about’ sex for the first time. “For example, say ‘We don’t talk too much about what we love and don’t love—and I’d like for us to try to do more of that. What do you think?’” Byers suggests. You don’t have to sit down at a table for the Sexual State Conference, but start gradually bringing it up. Begin by giving positive feedback on something your partner does that you like. Then, talk about other stuff you’d like more of. Remember, it’s a flirty, ongoing discussion—not a critique! either way way, keep talking about it. Don’t think about this as a summit meeting that you have with your partner once, cross off the list, and never discuss again. Instead, think of this as starting an open dialogue. It’s important to be able to express your likes and dislikes frequently, because what you’re into one day might not be what you’re into next week or next year. “It’s no different from if you’re walking and you tell your person you’d rather take a different route this time,” says Byers. “It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

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