4 Reasons Why Women In Love Still Cheat

Is that new flame worth extinguishing your current relationship?

21 September, 2018
4 Reasons Why Women In Love Still Cheat

By Esther Perel

This may shock you, but it’s not only people in unhappy relationships who stray. Throughout my career, I’ve talked to many newly dating, engaged, or married young women who describe their unions as healthy, happy, and free of major issues. And yet, they have been physically or emotionally unfaithful. Perhaps you are one of them, and you are currently grappling with why you cheated. In most cases, I’ve found that ‘I was drunk’ or ‘My mate wasn’t paying enough attention to me at the party’ are just excuses that haven’t been deeply thought out. Usually, there is a more powerful and personal motive. See if any of these four common reasons resonates with you—and if you can start moving on from your indiscretion in a constructive way.

1. YOU MISS THE EARLY AFFIRMATION

In the beginning of your relationship, it’s likely your significant other pursued you. You were who they wanted and went after. Although it’s a very un-PC thing to say, for some women, this is really exciting. Being courted can
make you feel powerful, confident, validated, and beautiful. But as soon as the chase is over and you’re officially a couple, you may rely on people outside your relationship for that same affirmation, even if your partner
is still giving you attention. In this case, cheating will give you an ego boost, but it will be fleeting because the kind of confidence you’re seeking needs to be cultivated from inside yourself. It can’t depend on chasing the seemingly unattainable, because once attained, that will lose its affirmative power.

2. YOUR BOND FEELS TOO SAFE

You may have chosen your mate because they’re loyal and loving and you know they would never hurt you, which is all good and endearing. But at the same time, you might not necessarily find them exciting or sexy. You might think, I really love our relationship, but there’s a sexual charge that’s missing. You may be de-eroticising your partner because it makes them emotionally safe. And maybe you found that sexual tension with someone else. I always say that if people brought even 10 percent of the imagination and investment they put into their affairs into their primary partnerships, those relationships would be set on fire. And that sense of something being absent? It would probably go away. So if passion, spontaneity, or sexual tension is what’s missing for you, try giving that 10 percent. This might mean making out with your mate instead of giving them a small peck on the lips,
flirting with them in a new, playful way, spicing up how you make love, or being straight-forward and asking, ‘How can we bring some creativity or mystery into our day-to-day?’

3. YOU’VE GROWN UP AND APART

By being intimate with someone else, you may be seeking validation of something you’ve suspected for a while: You’re no longer in the right relationship, even though it was the right one for you before. For instance, maybe you met your significant other in your hometown, and after a few years together, you moved to a big city and started working at a new job. You’ve outgrown this romance, and your unfaithfulness may have stemmed from
this fact. While it wasn’t a fair, honest, or respectful way to come to this conclusion,your indiscretion may have made you see your life with fresh clarity and given you the strength to leave a love that once meant so much, but is no longer growing with you.

4. YOU’RE SUBCONSCIOUSLY MOTIVATED

Sometimes a woman cheats because a trauma in her past has left her with a fear of abandonment. This can make her defensive. For example, if one of your parents was a cheater, you may protect yourself from becoming the victim in a similar situation. You may be so afraid that your BF or GF will have an affair, that you are unfaithful first. Or maybe it’s another deep-rooted motive. One of my clients, for example, had such a powerful connection with her dad that she was subconsciously proving her loyalty to him by never fully devoting herself to another man. She cheated on every boyfriend she had—believing that the right guy would make her stop. Really, she needed to do some hard psychological work to separate herself emotionally from her father so that she could form a lasting bond with another man. If any of this sounds familiar, consider talking to a therapist who can help you
process your situation so that you can figure out how to move forward (or not) with the person you love.

Esther Perel is a relationship therapist, New York Times bestselling author, popular TED speaker, and the host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? Her next project, an e-course for couples looking to keep their spark alive, launches later in 2018. Learn more at estherperel.com or follow @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram

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