Why Small Spats Cause Big Trouble

Tiny, recurring jabs—for, say, not tidying up the room—or  mini arguments about things like your work hours can create a tear in your bond that, if you keep at it, will only grow over time. Couples who engage in this kind of destructive communication are at a much higher risk of having a stressful connection.
Unlike a cheating scandal or a blowout fight—acute problems that you immediately know need fixing—bickering is chronic, constant, low-impact warfare (most often about daily hassles) that doesn’t sound a loud alarm. Because of this, couples prone to verbal sparring can stay together a long time, although both people often feel underappreciated or like they can’t do anything right.
Follow these steps to ensure you and your partner don’t go down that road.

BEWARE THE BIAS
First, it’s important to understand that if you and your partner squabble, it’s likely that one or both of you have a slanted view—or a perception bias—of your relationship. You may be coming from a place where you believe your union is unfair and that you ‘care more’ than your SO does (or vice versa). Therefore, you tend to focus on the negative things they do that reinforce that bias, while minimising the positives that contradict it.
For example, if your lover is driving you to a party and you get there late, you may automatically say it’s because they don’t care about seeing your friends. But if you arrive perfectly on time, you say it’s because there was no traffic—not because your partner made sure to leave early.
Be mindful of this tendency, and try to change it. I tell my clients to keep a log of things their partners do on a weekly basis that make them feel special and cared about. Seeing how much your
love does for you can help change your thinking.

DON’T COMPLAIN, ASK
Instead of experiencing the vulnerability of asking for something and waiting for the possibility that you won’t get it, it is tempting to launch into anger. For many, irritation is easier to express than hurt. But behind every frustration is a wish. If you believe your partner has done something wrong (example,they didn’t pay a bill on time), you wish that they had done it right. But rather than asking
them to correct their ways, your knee-jerk reaction is to complain or criticise their mistake. Going forward, communicate in a way that will set your partner up for success. Instead of ‘Would it kill you to pay a bill on time?’ try something like ‘Do you think you could set a monthly alert on your phone for when the electricity payment is due?’ 

BANISH ALWAYS AND NEVER
‘I always have to ask you to take out the garbage.’ ‘You never listen to me when the game is on.’ There is an enormous amount of absolutist language in bickering. Your entire vocabulary becomes ‘I do everything, and you do nothing’. This makes for a very polarising conversation in which only one person is allowed to have feelings at a time. And it really deflates your partner’s desire to keep
trying to please you. Plus, it furthers the message that you’re keeping score in your relationship of who does what more often. Strip these words from your daily conversations, and stick to discussing current issues at hand. 

ADD HUMOUR
Bickering matches are often very, very rigid, with no humour whatsoever. Every issue is a 10 on the serious scale, and there are no level twos or threes. And yet, humour is the most effective way to defuse conflict of any magnitude. It’s essential! It gives you perspective and removes you enough from the moment to realise, ‘This is serious, but not that serious’. By adding a dose of funny, you can remind both of you that this problem is not of the make-it-or-break-it variety.

SHOW EMPATHY
At the end of the day, your partner has the same interests as you: to solve any stresses in your relationship. For that to happen, it’s important for you both to understand and appreciate the other person’s point of view. Do you really think your lover wants to purposely annoy you, hurt you, or let you down? Probably not. And do you both have things going on in your lives that may be causing you to pick a fight? Most likely, yes. Recognising these truths and being collaborative rather than combative will help you stop hurling small digs.