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Making the First Move: How These Women Do it

"I have the unearned confidence of a middle aged white man."

Asking someone out can feel super intimidating and scary, because unless you're a very enlightened human being (teach us your ways?) rejection sucks a little bit. No matter how confident you are, it's natural to fear being pied a little bit. But these women always "make the first move" - and have learned to not let the process wig them out at all.

1."I'm very comfortable talking to men as people. I've always had an equal amount of male and female friends. I talk to them out of general interest and usually because we have things in common. I think it's easy to tell if a guy is potentially interested, I can just see it. If he's not, I don't pursue. If he is, then I just invite him to do something. I say, let's hang out sometime and exchange numbers. I text him in the next few days and set something up. It helps that I'm interested in friendship or dating, so we just have a good time regardless." [via]

2."I've always kinda done it. The secret to it has no real tie to being a woman or viewing it from the perspective of a woman. There's just not a lot that can happen from asking someone that feels costly to me. Someone says no: Okay! Moving on. Someone who I actually have feelings for says no: better than not knowing one way or the other. Asking is the means to an end goal I need to achieve, the answer no is just the undesirable end goal." [via]

3."You just do it and realise that the worst that could happen (rejection) is not the end of the world or even all that bad. It’s better to do it quick. It’s getting hung up on someone and pining after them for a while in silence that makes the ask intimidating and rejection painful because then you’re emotionally invested. It’s best to shoot your shot right away because if the rejection happens at that point, it’s not as big a deal. You haven’t had time to build things up in your head." [via]

4."Don't get your hopes up. Go in fully understanding that they might say no and be okay with that. If they say no, don't beg or ask why, just say okay. Give yourself some space. They know how you feel, if they change their mind they'll let you know." [via]

5."I think the key here is to treat it as a gradual process and pay attention. Use emotional intelligence, nuance, and empathy. It's generally awkward and ineffective to go from cold and platonic interactions to a big, sudden 'move' like asking someone on a date or trying to kiss them. It's usually an interaction, not one person making an offer and the other accepting. I couldn't really tell you who made the 'first move' in most relationships I've had, because the answer is really that contributions of both parties led up to that point every time.

"So you gradually up the ante and pay close attention to how they're responding to you, then either slow down or stop at whatever point they're no longer clearly and obviously reciprocating or enjoying it. If they're into you, they'll be an equally active participant in this and probably doing it right along with you. If they're not, you're respecting their boundaries and autonomy, exhibiting good social skills, and saving yourself from embarrassment by noticing and backing off instead of putting them on the spot with an unwanted advance." [via]

6."I'm not good at subtlety or dropping hints, or indirect communication. If I feel like talking to someone, I go ahead and get it over with. If I think about it too much I'll get nervous and I don't like being nervous." [via]

7."I enjoy being in control and so it’s natural for me to make the first move. I don’t like being chased or chosen, so the only way it works is for me to take the lead. I’m very honest and direct and sometimes it’s a turn off for men. Ive tried to be coy but it’s unnatural and aggravating for me. I’ve experienced some dropped mouths. It’s OK though. If you’re comfortable with it, go for it." [via]

8."I just tell myself that I'd rather go for it and know that I tried. 'A person who asks is a fool for five minutes; a person who never asks is a fool for life'." [via]

9."In about 90 per cent of the relationships/flings I've had, I made the first move - either asking out, being the first to go in for a kiss, etc. The secret is that I wanted the guy badly enough to do it. Funny enough, the couple times where the guy made the move, those relationships ended badly. And as for the 'what if they reject me' fear... it's almost always pretty obvious if someone likes you. In the times where I made a move, I was very confident they were interested. But if you're not sure, keep in mind, the worst they can say is, 'you're cool, but no thanks'. It's very unlikely they're going to respond in a really negative or humiliating way. And if they do, they can fuck right off." [via]

10."I'm just totally okay if someone doesn't want me. So I have nothing to lose. That's having self love, right? Like, I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. No one is. So you shoot your shot. If it works, great. If it doesn't, someone else will always come along/want you. Another thing, if you don't go for what you want in life, how will you ever get it?" [via]

11."I have the unearned confidence of a middle aged white man." [via]

12."Confidence and feminism. I've had so many men pout and back off when i engage directly that now I make the first move every time. It's a great measure of who sees things traditionally (ick) vs who's willing to share the control." [via]