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11 Signs You're Trapped in the Trenches of Deep, Deep Dicksand

Translation: ditching all your friends for, well, dick...

imageWhen I was 22, I had the boyfriend of my dreams (and by that, I mean he vaguely resembled Jesse Eisenberg and laughed at all my jokes). It was my first time falling head-over-heels for someone, and I couldn’t stay away.

My friends were supportive—they wanted me to be happy, of course. But a few weeks in, I started missing more and more of their events and feeling distant from them.

I got to wondering...Oh, shit. Was I ditching my friends for my boyfriend?

And the answer was a ~screaming~ yes. Actually, it seems I was drowning in dicksand—the dreaded force that sucks you into becoming so preoccupied with the new person you’re dating, you disappear on your friends and fam entirely.

This quicksand fuckery is as strong as it is sneaky. You get caught up in your own budding love story and then suddenly leap into relationship isolation with having no action plan in-sight.

If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, there's a good chance you might relate a little too well to these 11 signs that you're, well, sinking fast in dicksand.

1. You skip your close friend’s party just to hang out with your S.O.

Okay, it’s totally normal to skip birthday parties because you’re resentful that someone is four years younger than you (it’s objectively rude). But skipping a close friend’s party just to hang with your beau? Why couldn’t he come with you?

2. Your Instagram feed is just couple pics.

You haven’t posted anything on Instagram except pictures of the two of you for weeks. Believe it or not, your friends actually like seeing your feed flooded with cute dogs you saw on the street, and the lunchtime salads you picked at (well, maybe not the salads, but you get the idea).

3. You take every opportunity to bring up your partner in conversation.

Your friends are happy to hear about your relationship, but not every conversation topic has to turn to Pete. The tapas place on your corner isn’t about Pete. The weather isn’t about Pete. Your new fascination with preventing yeast infections isn—well, okay, that might be about Pete.

4. Your friends seem surprised when you show up to group events.

As it turns out, you don’t have to get bangs to get people’s attention. If you never see your friends, just showing up one time is enough to shock them.

5. Even your horrifying screen time stats don’t keep you off your iPhone when you’re with your friends.

We can all agree that screen time statistics are bullying! But it does help keep me accountable to live in the moment, especially when I’m with my friends. But if you find yourself too distracted by your partner’s texts to pay attention to the people around you, no bueno.

6. Your weekly brunch has turned into a monthly brunch.

Just for you, though. Your friends are still there every week. Still sitting in that corner booth. Still drinking way too many mimosas. And still flirting with that sexy waiter, Roberto who comps your tequila shots. And you? Well, you're trapped between the arms of your sweaty bearfriend.

7. You forget your mom’s birthday.

For obvious reasons, if your head is so far in the clouds with your new partner that you can’t even remember to send a card to the woman who raised you, set a damn calendar reminder next time.

8. You didn’t realize your BFF got a promotion.

Promotions don’t typically come out of nowhere, so if news of your BFF’s promotion did, it might mean you’re not checking in with them enough to find out how things in their life are going. Go celebrate her—she can afford the drinks tab even more now (but don't use her for this).

9. You haven’t even watched the Game of Thrones premiere.

You’re usually the one who throws the GoT premiere party, and this year, you didn’t even get it together to watch it with your pals because your boyfriend prefers Paul Walker to White Walkers. Congratulations, you just lost the game (of thrones) because you’re stuck in dicksand.

10. Your friends and family have stopped asking about your relationship.

Because they already know—it’s the only thing you talk or post about!

11. You explain to your single friends that when they’re in a relationship, they’ll understand.

What will they understand? That it’s impossible to balance seeing your friends and being in a relationship? We all watched Sex and the City, so we all know that’s not true. Get out of the dicksand while you still can!