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30 Things I Wish I Knew Before Giving Before I Ever Gave a Blow Job

Yes, there are *that many* blow-job tips!

I don't know, off the top of my head, how oral sex was invented. But I like to think the phrase, "you want me to do what now??" was involved, somehow. As a concept, putting someone's privates in your mouth seems like, hmm, it would be awful?? But it's not! And so all these probable millennia (is this how time works?) later, blow jobs and oral sex are an enjoyable and good part of most sex routines.

Just like the rest of sex, the best way to mix up your BJ routine is to get tips and advice from other people. Which is where we come in. Here are 30 pieces of sage advice from grown women who've been there, done that (like, a lot) and are down to share their wisdom with you. Whether you're prepping for your first or your five-hundredth blow job, there's something here for you.

1. First of all: It's pretty impossible to screw this up.

The only bad thing you can do, pre-BJ, is underestimate your own abilities. If you've got a mouth and your partner's got a dick, you have all the tools you need to give a perfect blow job. That said, if you're nervous about it, talk to your partner. If that's off the table, talk with some friends. No prob with being nervous, probably everyone who's ever performed oral sex has been before. Talking about it is the best cure for BJ-jitters.

2. And if you do (which you won't) you can always just...do it again.

The best thing about giving a partner the first blow job is then you can ask for, essentially, an oral sex performance review. All sex—penetrative, oral, etc.—tends to get better with a partner as you get to know each other better and communicate more. As you're comfortable, ask your partner what he likes in a blow job, or how you can craft a BJ perfect for him. And if he's polite, he'll ask the same of you. A true win-win.

3. Your partner might be quiet but still be absolutely lovin' it.

This is a problem among people with penises, many of whom seem to have been told, at some point, to literally never exude enthusiasm in sex. If your partner's silence is weirding you out, tell them so! Positive feedback is helpful for BJ novices and experts alike.

4. You can def do this in the shower.

Most shower sex is difficult-to-impossible; the literal black diamond of sex locations. But oral sex is both doable and enjoyable in the shower. The water won't work as lube, but have your partner stand out of the jet stream (so you can be in it) and go to town, after you're watched them wash their bod.

5. Balls exist and maybe you should incorporate them into this whole thing.

But don't do it without first asking if your partner is into that. And then follow that question up with,"and how do you like your balls played with?" Because what people who don't have them don't know is, apparently, they're very sensitive! So don't go yanking away without warning.

6. Also, this is a good time to address the butt.

Once again: Ask your partner if they like butt-play before you venture into unknown territory. And then if they give you the all-clear, ask again what kind of play they like. If they don't know, check out some of these beginner anal play tips and work from there. This also tends to speed blow jobs up, which, you know, might be a good thing.

7. Not to be a bummer, but you can get STIs from this.

Which is why wearing condoms during oral is a good idea, especially for new, monogamous partners. There are plenty of flavored varieties, if the taste of latex isn't really your thing.

8. Take a play from Samantha Jones' book and have them stand in front of a mirror.

There's something mysteriously ~sexy~ about watching yourself get it on (why do you think sex tapes are a thing??). Use that over-the-door mirror you've had since freshman year of college for dirty purposes and position yourselves in front of it while you go down on your partner.

9. You can speed the process up by adding foreplay to the foreplay.

Blow his freakin' mind and detract minutes from the amount of time his D is in your M by teasing your partner, pre-blow job. Getting him all worked up by kissing his hips and thighs feels great for him, and if you know your partner takes a bit longer to finish from oral, this might speed things up a bit. Not that there's anything wrong with taking your time! But sometimes you need to put oral sex on the express track. And there's nothing wrong with that either.

10. He's paying less attention to what your face looks like than you think he is.

Have you ever seen anyone eat a really big popsicle? Like, put their whole dang mouth around it (which, ouch, brain freeze)? It's not a pretty sight! Very few people in this world look their absolute best with their mouth stretch to its full capacity. Don't put more pressure on this already precarious situation by thinking you have to look like a beautiful goddess while hoisting a penis into your mouth. What matters most to everyone involved is how this thing feels.

11. And speaking of that: It probably feels nothing at all like you think it does.

Unless you also have a penis and have received a blow job before, the best you can do is merely speculate what getting one feels like. All you need to know is that most people describe them favourably, or as one guy eloquently puts it: "If sex is putting your penis in a wet, unplugged vacuum...a blow job is plugging that vacuum in." So put all those worries that it doesn't feel good out of your mind. Assuredly, they're into it.

12. You can literally ask your partner what they want.

Before your mouth is, ahem, occupied, use it to ask questions: Do they want you to get your hands involved? Do they want to lie down back or stand up? Do they prefer lots of noises, or nah? Asking questions and getting answers is not only a fun way to get ~in the mood~, but it can help put any concerns or anxieties you have at ease.

13. A penis doesn't have eyeballs and can't tell the difference between the back of a throat and the roof of a mouth.

All those slimy surfaces on the inside of your mouth basically just all feel the same. Except your teeth, obviously. I don't have a penis so I don't personally get the appeal of "deep-throating," but (gently) ramming the tip of his dick into the roof of your mouth feels like the same thing and it doesn't make you gag.

14. Anyone who DEMANDS a blow job is almost certainly not worth a moment of your time.

Yeah, this should go without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway: No one should ever demand or force any sexual act from you, and this goes for blow jobs, too. Some people have this (wrong, completely bogus) idea in their head that they deserve oral sex. LOL, no. If anyone ever says they require a blow job, feel free to say you require hooking up with people who aren't dickheads.

15. It isn't a fancy massage at a spa and therefore doesn't have to be all about them.

You ever heard of something called "sensate focus?" It's a sex therapy technique in which you focus on touch and the physical pleasure it brings you, and you can totally use it to ease blow job-anxiety or just ~mix it up~ a little. Basically. instead of doing what you think you're supposed to do to make them feel great, employ blow job techniques that feel fun 'n exciting to you. Oral sex doesn't have to be as one-sided as its reputation says it should be.

16. A penis isn't a vagina or a Slip'N Slide and doesn't just get wet on its own.

I mean there's pre-ejaculate, but that's like a light rain shower when a proper BJ usually requires a torrential downpour. Either get some lube that doesn't taste like a takeout bag, or drink some water and be prepared to use all the spit you can muster. It's not gross. This is someone you make out with (probably).

17. You do not have to bow down before his erect penis like it's royalty.

In movies and TV shows and whatever else, the only BJ position ever depicted is a woman on her knees, bobbing her head back and forth while a man stands up like a statuesque Greek god. This is so rare IRL! You don't have to invest in knee pads, like Stephanie from seventh grade said you would! Stephanie lied to you. Just get on the bed and do it lying down. It's COMFIER.

18. You don't have to swallow and then giggle and say, "OMG, it's so fun to swallow your hot steamy cum, I really love it a lot!"

Also, you just don't have to swallow at all. The person whose dick you're sucking is not going to scream and holler at you if you demurely dispose of his cum into a napkin or cup or something. They might get a little upset if you spit it directly onto their face, but that's really something the two of you should discuss.

19. Your hands can pinch hit when your mouth needs some time on the bench.

The average penis is 5.17 inches (when hard). I haven't measured the inside of my mouth, but I am pretty damn sure there aren't 5.17 inches of space between my lips and the back of my throat. And no way do I recommend going for broke and shoving a penis down your esophagus. Let your hands help. Put the tip in your mouth and your hands around the base, and voilà. This is within the acceptable rules of play.

20. You're not going to accidentally bite down on the penis with your teeth and sever it and leave your partner sterile forever.

There is an inordinate number of horror stories about women who accidentally use their teeth during a BJ and, like, skin the guy's dick with their razor molars or something. Teeth should not be the Big Concern. I feel like they kind of just disappear when this whole act starts, IDK.

21. Sometimes a penis doesn't smell good and that's because some men are disgusting.

I don't think anyone expects a hard penis to smell like Chanel perfume or strawberry Lipsmackers or whatever (although OMG, they should) but some guys are less clean than others. Also. People sweat more in the summertime. Consider this. The crotch area is not free of sweat glands. Personally, I don't think it's rude to kindly suggest a sexy shower together beforehand.

22. Penises that look small and non-menacing sometimes feel like novelty-sized pool noodles when they are inside of your mouth.

Oh, it looked like a pinky finger from afar, but now that it's in your mouth, it's like one of those little toys that grows when you put it in water. What's happening in there? Who knows. Maybe we're all overestimating the size of our mouth holes.

23. You can use your tongue to trick him into thinking he's all the way in your mouth.

Like ~magic~, if magic were perverted. You don't have to just tuck your tongue away and hide it while this event is taking place. You can use it (like the roof of your mouth thing) to trick your partner into thinking they're basically pumping away into your stomach. Just either tuck their penis underneath your tongue, or use your tongue to block the back of your throat (this also protects your delicate gag reflexes just in case).

24. A blow job isn't like a magic button that makes someone come right now immediately.

Although people do seem to love them, it's not something that begins and ends in a matter of seconds (usually). These things can be a lot of work, especially if you're down there for, like, 15 minutes. You can quit literally whenever you want though—never feel like you're dropping out of a race early.

25. A BJ can be foreplay and doesn't have to be the Big Main Event of the evening.

Yeah, not all BJs have to end in a spout of geyser-esque ejaculate shooting forth into the air. You can just do this for, like, a little bit until they get all riled up, and then move on to other sex things.

26. This is one thing that porn can actually teach you a lot about, like the graphic sex ed you never had in school.

Sex ed should definitely be better in this country but I really doubt we'll ever have gym coaches teaching good blow job decorum in front of a bunch of confused teenagers. And that's probably for the best? Anyway. People don't fuck IRL like they do in porn, but sometimes those close-up shots of someone ferociously sucking a D can serve as good little tutorials on how to move your head. Just don't attempt deep-throating if you're not very experienced.

27. Literally no one can deep-throat without gagging.

I vaguely remember some girl in, like, ninth grade telling me that all grown women literally swallow lidocaine or the stuff in those Orajel swabs before giving a blow job so they don't gag on a dick. Don't do this! Don't drink lidocaine! No! The solution here is to just not deep-throat a penis. Gag reflexes exist for a reason. And you definitely don't want to throw up on someone you ostensibly like.

28. You do not have to give a BJ just to get a BJ of your own.

If someone refuses to go down on you because you don't like giving BJs, or has a disgusting smelly penis that you don't want in your mouth, or just for literally any other reason, they suck (except lol they doesn't suck hahaha get it?).

29. 69ing is terrible and overrated and bad, and let's just ban it already.

OK, maybe you like it but IMO, it is terrible and dumb. The whole point of oral sex is that you can just lie there and do nothing while someone else gives you extreme pleasure. 69ing is like if, while getting a professional massage, you had to also file your taxes at the same time. Doesn't that sound like a nightmare to you? Because it is. It would be a nightmare.

30. It doesn't make you a slut to enjoy giving BJs and it doesn't make you a prude to hate giving BJs.

This one sex act is way overblown (LOL, sorry, I'm sorry) but really it's just one thing on an endless menu of sex things you can do to a person. No one decent will cut things off with you if you don't like giving BJs, and I swear if anyone ever slut-shames you for liking BJs, direct them to me immediately because there's a conversation we need to have. You like what you like and hate what you hate, and it's all fine and good.