My Boyfriend Won't Forgive Me for Cheating Years Ago

I've been with my boyfriend for over four years now. At one point in our relationship I cheated and he found out. Although we didn't break up, every now and then, he brings it up. This happened two to three years ago. I have asked him to forgive me on many occasions — sometimes we're all good, then he brings it up. I have reached the point that I can no longer continue like this. It drains. What should I do?

There's no black-and-white answer here. You hurt your boyfriend, and it's his right to feel whatever he's feeling: anger, resentment, suspicion — even paranoia. However, it's not his right to make you feel awful, over and over, about something that happened several years ago. There's a difference between processing feelings and acting out.

Like so many things, this is a question of degrees: There are healthy ways to handle those feelings, and terrible ways. I'd recommend that you tell him, in no uncertain terms, that this is really driving you crazy. He knows you're sorry. He knows you're faithful. And you know that you hurt him. Tell him that you're open to having serious conversations about his trust issues occasionally, but this can't define your relationship, and it cannot go on forever. This can't be a constant distraction in your relationship.

When I hear stories like this, I worry: Some people will use a partner's mistake to hold power over them. That past transgression can fuel a manipulative, unequal relationship — where one partner is always claiming that he or she is the victim when, in fact, that partner is controlling the other with guilt. You can't have an equal relationship if one person is always being forced to apologize for something that happened in the past.

This does sound draining. You can't go on like this, so tell him you can't. Tell him that forgiveness is a choice. Your boyfriend must decide to let this go. If he can't, you'll have to let go of him.

When I have sex with my girlfriend, I just start hating her after sex for a particular period of time — at least three to four hours. When my desire arouses again, I want to have sex again with her, but the same thing happens after ejaculation is over.

I'm glad you wrote in. I'm sure you feel awful, but, first, let's be sure about one thing: This is not her fault. And no matter how emotional you feel, I hope you know better than to take this out on her or hurt her in any way. Sometimes, you can't help the way you feel. But you can control how you act. Don't hurt her.

Second, I want you to know that you can stop feeling like this: Just because you feel something intensely doesn't mean you can't change it. You can get to a place where you don't have these negative feelings about women. It won't happen overnight though. It will take effort and time.

Your case sounds extreme, but you're not alone. People often have intense emotional responses after sex. For instance, I answered the letter of a woman who became depressed after orgasm here and recommend that you check that out, because anger and depression are often connected. The hormonal links between sex and our emotions are so complex that doctors are still struggling to understand them.

Sex is often an intense experience, for better or worse. It can unsettle us and dig up all kinds of strong, deep-seated emotions. For you, it seems like sex is a trigger for this misplaced anger. But what is causing it?

To repeat: It's not your girlfriend. She hasn't done anything wrong. It's not her fault you're feeling angry. This anger is coming from some other place. Something else is under it.

So what is it? Often, people get angry or depressed because sex dredges up shame or guilt, fundamental fears, or traumatic memories. Everyone is exposed and vulnerable when they have sex and give up some element of control — and that, too, can make people intensely fearful. Sometimes, when people experience that sharp, painful pang of fear, they lash out in anger to drive it down or block it out. (For further reading on how that anger is sparked, you might try this Dr. Leon Seltzer post, and his many others, at Psychology Today.)

I think you should consider counseling with a trained therapist who can help you try to identify why sex is such a powerful trigger for this anger. An anger management class or book probably wouldn't hurt either, but a personal therapist might be the most useful for such a delicate matter.

It may be hard, but you should tell your girlfriend how you're feeling. Tell her that you know it's illogical and that it is most definitely not her fault. Be clear because she deserves to know what's going on, since I'm sure you're acting out in some ways. Likely, she's scared and confused by the way you're reacting to sex. I'm sure she's already wondering.

You don't have to figure it all out before you talk. Just tell her. Ask her to help you think it through. And talk to her about practical concerns too: Some post-sex routines might also help. For instance, if you feel like you're losing it lying in bed with her afterward, maybe you should ask her for some time alone after sex. If you need to blow off some angry steam, find a healthy outlet like the gym or even a long walk.

Anger is a natural emotion, but it's also a dangerous emotion, so, finally, I want to remind you that it's OK to feel angry, and it's positive to sort through your darkest feelings, and try to understand them and control them. But it is never OK to lash out or hurt your girlfriend.

My boyfriend wants to have a threesome, but how do I find someone to do it?

Most people seem to fantasize that a threesome is just suddenly and spontaneously going to happen one night, but that's as fantastical as a unicorn walking through your bedroom.

In fact, some swingers call partners who are willing to be a third wheel "unicorns" because they are so hard to find, they often seem like mythological creatures. The problem is, this sort of unicorn doesn't have a horn protruding from his or her forehead, so he or she will be harder to identify in, say, a bar.

When you're out dancing or drinking or networking, you can just start flirting with strangers, hoping that someone is a kind of were-unicorn, who turns into a unicorn under the right circumstances. If that feels like your game, hit on someone outside of your immediate friend group to reduce the awkwardness, and be blunt about your intentions. Flirt like you normally might, make the person feel comfortable, and don't be a creep. But you've got to cut to the chase eventually and admit that you've got a partner. If you wait too long, somebody who's not into threesomes is going to feel like they're being played. So, sure, go out into public and take your chances, but let's face it — that's awkward as hell.

If you're looking for a more comfortable way to ask, you could proposition an ex — someone who's already had sex with one of you and is, in a sense, already halfway there — but that's seven kinds of dangerous and likely to blow up in your face. You could also log onto online dating sites and announce your intentions but, statistically, you are going to be at a huge disadvantage there: On regular sites, the unicorn hunters vastly outnumber the unicorns — so much so that many unicorns are afraid to reveal themselves.

One warning: Do not go prowling through lesbian or gay nightlife scenes: Do not assume that queer people are just dying to spice up your heterosexual relationship. They're not.

However, remember that unicorns, like any animal, do hang around certain watering holes. So join a kink or swingers site where experimenting is explicitly welcomed. Try a sex class and chat up your classmates. Listen to a talk about polyamory at a local sex shop. Or visit a sex club. (And always, always be safe.) 

Do you have a question for Logan about sex or relationships? Ask him here.

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