How Many Sexual Partners Is 'Normal' in Your 20s?

Just how many sexual partners is "normal" for a girl to have in her 20s?For statistics on sexual behavior, you can check out the Kinsey Institute's research here or try this calculator here. But I'd advise that you skip all that. Because it doesn't matter.

You see, there actually is no "normal" sexual behavior. (And there's no natural sexual behavior either.) The word "normal" is useless because, at best, it only represents a statistical mean, averaging out all behavior into one flat number that might not be relevant to your life at all. It's like saying the normal family has 1.6 kids. Nobody has six-tenths of a kid. Nobody has the exact same sex life. No one person is ever normal. No one person needs to be.

If it's not clear yet, I really hate the word "normal" when it's applied to sex. Here's the reason: When we hear the word "normal" in a public conversation about sex, its meaning isn't mathematical. It's judgmental. The word is typically used in some attempt to judge, shame, or control someone else's expectations. That's why you hear it when homophobes say gay sex isn't "normal," or when misogynists say a woman is a slut because she has more than a "normal" amount of sex.

Fuck normal. Everyone's life is different. The amount of sex you have in your 20s shouldn't be based on a statistic. It should be based on your free will, luck, and desire — and nothing more. It should be based on your personal decision about what's right for you — and nobody else.

I've been with my boyfriend for five months, and we got together a month after I just got out of a very abusive seven-year relationship. I told him I wanted to take it slow, and he said he understood. We first had sex two months into our relationship. A month ago, he asked me to go down on him, and for some reason, I just can't seem to do it. I don't know what it is! I've done it before — I just get stage fright when I try. I must be insane, right? Now we avoid each other as much as possible because he says I'm so sexy that when he's around me, all he can think about is blow jobs. He literally wakes up angry and comments about blow jobs all day every day. Now it's gotten to the point that I am so turned off by his attitude that I don't even want to try. HELP.You're turned off by his attitude? You should be. Because he's being an ass.

Your new boyfriend might treat you better than your abusive ex-boyfriend, but he still sounds awful. You need to end this.

I'm so glad you ended your seven-year abusive relationship. But you only had a month in between to recalibrate your sense of what's healthy and what's not. It sounds to me like you need some perspective: This guy sucks. A guy who wakes up angry and "comments about blow jobs all day every day" is not even remotely good boyfriend material. This is not acceptable behavior. If anything, he should be concerned for you — not selfishly making it worse.

He's pointing out the one thing you have trouble giving him and obsessing over it, probably because he feels that it gives him some power over you. You don't want to be with a guy like that.

This is not your fault. You say: "I must be insane, right?" Absolutely not. Regarding the blow-job stage fright, I wouldn't be surprised if your body is sending you a message: You might not be able to go down on this guy because you know, deep down, that you shouldn't be with him at all.

You ended one abusive relationship. End this one before it gets worse.

I've been dating my current boyfriend for two years, and he thought it would be cool if we took a couple's sex questionnaire. It's basically a way to figure out your partner's fantasies without the awkward talk. It asks questions concerning "butt stuff," "fetishes," "group play," and other topics. It asks particular questions and you either answer "no," "if my partner is interested," "yes," or "we already do that." I found out my boyfriend answered "if my partner is interested" to the question that asked, "Would you want to have a threesome with your girlfriend and another girl?" Afterward, I felt hurt because it made me think he's unhappy with the relationship or I'm not satisfying him in the bedroom. I told him I am never interested in doing that and he said the only reason he answered that way was because he wasn't sure what my opinion on the matter is. What is your take on this?"Would you be interested in a threesome if your girlfriend were into it?" If I were able to ask a million American men that one question right now, I doubt I could fill a single Chipotle with the small number of guys who'd say, "No way!"

Guys love the idea of threesomes, but almost no guy expects to have one. Few ever do. And no guy should demand one. But if one were suddenly offered like a free sample of frozen yogurt? I doubt I know a guy who wouldn't want a taste.

To most guys, a threesome is harmless fantasy, like sex on a plane. Have most guys actually joined the mile-high club? No. Is it terribly practical? Nope. But if the stars aligned, the flight patterns cooperated, and the flight attendants and Homeland Security agents looked the other way, would a whole lot of guys at least be interested? Why not?

So don't worry. Hypotheticals like this are more about fantasy than reality. This does not mean your boyfriend is unhappy with the relationship. It does not mean he's bored in the bedroom either. All it means is that he's turned on by one extremely common fantasy. He doesn't expect you to go for it. But if you were interested, as he told you, he would be too. So long as he's respectful of your boundaries and doesn't press it, that's all fine.

It's great that your boyfriend answered honestly. It's healthy that he's airing out his fantasies and that you are both being forthright about what you are (and are not) into. But here's the trick: You don't want your boyfriend to lie in the future because you overreacted this time. If you make a big deal about him admitting that he would be "interested" in something so common, it might scare him off from being truthful about something else later. Be firm about your limits, but don't make this a referendum on your relationship, sexual or otherwise.

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