"How Do I Tell My Boyfriend Our Sex Life Is Terrible?"

​How do I tell my boyfriend our sex life is terrible? We've been together for almost two years now, and I hate our sex life. He's too impatient for foreplay and says eating girls out makes him want to puke. I've told him before it needs to change, but it hasn't. He's an awesome guy, and the thought of breaking up with him because of our poor sex life seems silly. I know there are men out there that will give me what I want though. What do I do?

You're right, you shouldn't abandon a good relationship because of a bad sex life without even trying. The solution isn't simply to go find another guy — because what if the sex isn't perfect with that guy? Spoiler: It won't be. Then what do you do? You find another guy. And the sex won't be perfect with him, either…

Relationships take work, particularly in the bedroom where it can be particularly hard to talk about what you need without bruising your partner's ego. But sometimes, that's just necessary — even if your boyfriend talks about going down on women like it's going to give him the cooties. Given the choice between being dumped and being more collaborative in bed, what do you think your boyfriend would choose? That said, don't present this as some do-or-die ultimatum. Just tell him how you've been feeling, instead of bottling it up inside.

Have the hard talk. Be direct. Tell him it's serious. Then butter him up with praise about how awesome he is and all the things you enjoy. Then tell him the "but…" Only, don't tell him sex is awful. Or that he's awful. Try to avoid judging him or labeling him with some insult. And don't place the blame all on him. A long-term bad sexual relationship is never just one person's fault.

Instead, tell him that you're unsatisfied and that it's very important to you that the two of you try to make your sex life better. Tell him you know it can be hotter for both of you. Tell him you want to know more about what turns him on and that you want him to know more about what turns you on. Then tell him. Give him specific examples and fantasies and maybe even a little technical advice — and don't forget to listen to what he says too. It's clear you're both in a rut. Maybe you can learn from each other.

As for this silliness about how going down on women makes him want to puke? Sure, we all have our preferences and turn-offs, but this sounds deeply immature and a little cruel. Tell him that's not a satisfying explanation on any level and that you need him to consider how you feel too.

If your boyfriend doesn't respond well — if he doesn't want to work on your relationship — then consider what that says about how he sees about you and how hard he's willing to work to make a relationship that works for both of you.

I've been seeing this guy for about three months now, and we've hit it off amazingly. He's incredibly sweet, affectionate, and my heart melts whenever we're intimate in any way. But whenever we are with each other, we don't want to do anything but cuddle and sleep. He doesn't want to go to school because he wants to be with me and changes his plans for the sake of seeing me. I do the same thing. I'm literally doing nothing but watching movies with him and lounging around. Why are we feeling this way? What can I do to help change these behaviors?

You can get off your ass!

Seriously, we all know that couple — and many of us have been in that couple, including myself — that is just so into the relationship that that the twosome disappears into a cozy, codependent cocoon. There's nothing wrong with falling for someone. But there's a difference between going overboard for a bit and drowning in love. You've got to come up for air at some point.

So get off your ass: With so many uncertain and stressful things in the world, it's tempting to try to simplify it and wrap this little world around yourself like a blanket. But that's not real: Aside from the fact that this fever will eventually turn into cabin fever, a healthy relationship shouldn't shrink your world. It should expand your world and embolden you to take on more. If you just retreat, you're actually shortchanging yourselves by limiting each other's horizons.

Change doesn't just happen to you, you have to be the engine. So get off your ass and do something. Make plans with friends. Take him out to dinner. Go see a movie in an actual theater. Tell him that you want to care about him so you want to see him succeed and, to do that, he's got to go to school. Maybe even spend some time without him. But, first, try to picture your idea of a healthy relationship: Make a list of things you'd like to do with your boyfriend. Then get off your ass and start doing them.

My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in almost two months. We've been together for four years and never had a dry spell this long. Normally I wouldn't be worried, but the last time we had sex, it didn't even last two minutes because he stopped and said he was "too hungry," and it hasn't happened since. Our schedules aren't super busy to the point where opportunities haven't presented themselves, and maybe I'm overthinking it, but it feels like he's outright avoiding it. I can't help but think that something is wrong with me and sex just isn't appealing to him anymore; nothing else in the relationship has changed, just the sex. I'm not the type to initiate anything for fear of rejection, and I don't really know how to bring it up to him.

Let's talk about that word "overthinking": Over the last couple of years, I've received a lot of letters here, and I've started to notice that when people say they're overthinking they're often under-talking. Yes, I know that's not a word. But what I mean is that we get into all sorts of trouble and our minds play all kinds of neurotic tricks on us when we stay quiet. Think of your head like a gym bag, your worries as those dirty clothes, and your mouth as the zipper: When you keep your mouth shut, those stray thoughts and worries get musty and start to smell. You've gotta air them out or you're going to have a nasty problem.

So tell him how you're feeling. Tell him that you care about him and it bothers you that you don't feel close to him right now. Tell him it hurts when he says something careless and callous like that he's "too hungry" and suddenly cuts off sex. Obviously, his problem isn't the munchies — so tell him you want to understand what's really going on. Tell him you deserve more respect than that. It sounds to me like he's hiding something, so I agree when you say he's "outright avoiding" what's going on.

However, it sounds like you're quite understandably avoiding this too. You say you don't "initiate anything for fear of rejection," and I know what you mean. It's hard to confront tough stuff. But you've got to be careful about defining yourself in such a limited way: Nothing's wrong with you.

So don't sell yourself short: We can all change and be a little bolder. Half the time, just doing something — trying absolutely anything — can make you feel more in control of your life. So make a pass, flirt, risk rejection, and even risk a big, awful fight. Instead of letting yourself get pushed around by currents you can't see or understand, try to build a little of your own momentum so you aren't so easily knocked off-course. 

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