"My Boyfriend Said Our Sex Life Has Suffered Because I Gained Weight"

​I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years, and we have had a great relationship, for the most part. It has only been over the past summer that problems started arising. Over the time we've been dating, we've both definitely let ourselves go a little more than we wanted. I know this often happens when you get comfortable in a relationship, and I have gained about 25 pounds since that time. He also stopped working out and gained a little weight but also lost any muscle tone he had. While I do want to lose weight and get back to my old body, the past year of university has been very stressful for me, which is part of the reason [I haven't]. While living together for the summer, we were bickering more than usual, partly because I had a very stressful time finding a summer job and I think it made things worse. That situation put a strain on our sex life, and it was definitely lacking. Then, during one of our arguments, he brought up that part of the reason it was lacking was because I had gained some weight. Obviously I was very upset as I felt like he had also let himself go. While I gained more weight because I have a very slow metabolism and his is fast, it still made me very insecure about myself and just made me want to have sex even less. I'm just not sure if I am in the right emotional place to stick to a regimented eating and fitness plan yet — even though I know I will eventually lose the weight, the whole situation just bothers me. It's not like I gained 100 pounds and look like a different person. I realize I looked better when we first started dating, but is it valid for him to say it's affecting our relationship badly and I should be trying to lose weight for us instead of on my own time? Now I'm not sure if I will ever be able to get those insecurities out of my head even if I were to lose the weight.

Reading your email, I get an overwhelming sense of how all these frustrating issues in your life are connected: You're stressing at school, bickering at home, worrying over finding a summer job, and losing your sex drive. And who knows what else you've got going on.

So, yes, you boyfriend is being unfair to reduce all that hard, complicated stuff down to some idea that your weight gain is "affecting our relationship badly." That's hurtful and frankly wrong. There's a lot more going on. Tell him that — and tell him that it's not cool. And, no, you shouldn't drop weight for your relationship, or for any other reason other than to be healthy or because you want to do so. It's your body.

Nobody's perfect. He's not. You're not. I'm not. And it's hard to accept all the million ways in which we fall short of our goals, but we do it all the time: whether those goals are personal, romantic, professional, or health-oriented. In your letter, you write that you worry you're not in the "right emotional place to stick to a regimented eating and fitness plan yet," but I do want to point out that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Will you ever be in the right place to commit to an aggressive "regimented" eating and fitness plan? You don't need to drop all 25 pounds with a personal trainer, solve your professional future, and heal your relationship all at once. Sometimes, we give up on change because we want everything to change immediately. But that's not the way our bodies, our insecurities, or most of the world works: Change tends to be gradual, whether it's to your physical or emotional health. And it's all interconnected. You can start small.

Don't look at the big, complicated picture and get overwhelmed. Break things down. What do you want to do today? This afternoon? Right now? Maybe that's as simple as admitting that you don't want to do high-intensity interval training and scheduling a brisk walk every morning instead to help get your day started on a positive note. Instead of committing to a 24/7 paleo diet, maybe you can decide to eat a healthy breakfast each morning. (Yes, I'm a big fan of morning goals, since that's the part of the day we can control best, before the rest of the world starts exerting its will.)

We all get stung when someone says something mean because it often draws out our own self-doubt, but please remember, too, that when we say someone makes us feel insecure, we're giving that person a kind of power that they don't actually possess. Our self-worth is ours and nobody else's. We either take something personally or not. Your boyfriend was definitely insensitive — and you should push back and explain your feelings honestly if he continues to hurt you. But feeling secure or insecure is up to us: I think if you take a bit more control of your life in small ways, it may help you stand your ground.

How do I stop my quick ejaculation of three seconds?If you're finishing as soon as you start, you should speak to your doctor first. Premature ejaculation can be caused by hormonal imbalances or an injury, and it can be exacerbated by some medications. On the other hand, there are also medications that suppress orgasm and might help you slow things down. Consulting a doctor can't hurt.

Going from zero to 60 so fast is often psychological, in which case a therapist, or sex therapist, might be most helpful: Anxiety, depression, or sexual shame can all be contributing factors, and each is a tough thing to tease out. Practically speaking, you can spend some quality time with yourself: Sex therapists often recommend masturbation, since practice makes perfect. If you can delay orgasm by yourself, sex therapists say, it may help you slow down with a partner. You can also experiment with various positions that don't feel so intense, or topical creams like lidocaine, which reduce sensitivity.

As with any issue involving orgasm, worrying only seems to redouble the stress that causes the issue, so focus on your general mind and body health: Get sleep, relax, exercise, eat well, do what makes you happy. If the rest of your body and mind are functioning well, your junk might start working better too.

Some girl who works with my boyfriend keeps posting things on his Facebook wall and won't tag the other coworkers, despite her claims that the posts are about work. I'm really bothered by it, but I'm afraid to say something to him, out of fear that she'll misinterpret my disapproval as insecurity. I trust my boyfriend, but this girl sincerely worries me. He and I are very clearly and publicly in a long-term relationship, and she seems to disregard that. How do I approach this situation?Unfortunately, there's no guidebook for social-media manners. The last generation stressed out about text and email etiquette. Before that, it was the phone. Back in the day, Neanderthals surely got jealous when other Neanderthals shared their sharp rocks.

The point is: This does sound flirty to me, but, like most social media behavior, it's in that vast gray area of things that don't seem quite cool but also aren't obviously wrong. To find your way out of that gray area, the best thing you can do is talk to your partner. Don't go directly to the girl; you don't know her. Talk to your boyfriend.

Don't accuse him or his coworker. Don't freak out. Just calmly explain how you're feeling: Look, I know there are no rules about this sort of thing on Facebook. But it seems a little strange that your coworker only tags you in the photos. What do you think is going on? Is she flirting with you? Do you think it's disrespectful?

Who knows what he'll say: Maybe it makes him feel mildly uncomfortable too, or maybe he hasn't given it a second thought. Either way, I think being honest is worth the risk of appearing a little insecure. If you don't leap to conclusions or leap down his throat, he should understand your concern.

If you approach him calmly, and then he blows you off or becomes outraged that you dare suspect that she might possibly maybe be flirting with him, well, that's suspicious. Keep an eye on him going forward.

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